Welcome to the S*** Show

February 5th 2022 8:07 PM

I'm starting to realize that you can't make anyone like you.

It just happens.

I always envisioned my perfect romance to be with someone who wants me to comfort them. Someone whose head I can hold in my lap and play with their hair for hours while I talk to them about their worries and their plans and their fears and whatever else crosses their mind.

I know I like someone when I have the overwhelming urge to protect and soothe them. When I want to smother them with this invincible energy of my warmth.

I can't wait for the day I find someone to share that with.

Right now I'm listening to "In a Week" by Hozier on repeat in bed. It beautifully captures this sense of longing.

I did my nightly routine, and I felt slightly empowered by it. It brings me a little bit of peace knowing that I am living my life and taking care of myself, not overcome by a depressive slump.

I've been left on delivered by a kid I like for 4 hours now. He knew I had no plans today. But he still didn't try to talk to me, and so help me god if he facetimes me tonight while I am trying to go to sleep— it's going to chip away at my soul. You had all day to talk to me, so don't call me at 9 pm and act like I'm talking to a brick wall because then what was the fucking point?

For some reason the men I am interested in only want conversation at night or after they've had a couple drinks. It stings, and does nothing to calm my nerves regarding the topic of my last entry.

I just want a sweet innocent relationship. Is this too much to ask for?

I want someone who is going to want to walk through target with me when I want to buy frozen fruit.

I want someone who will find scrolling through Netflix for the next good movie find as enjoyable as I do. Someone to watch that movie with and create the perfect commentary.

I want someone to text me, "What are you doing today? I have an idea."

Or

"I am coming to pick you up, be ready."

Someone who cares for me the same way I care for them. Someone who sees me and thinks:

She is determined. She is smart. She is hilarious and beautiful and I want to keep her safe and happy. I want to love her.

and I want someone to share strawberry ice-cream with when I am feeling sad.

I want someone to poke on the nose and laugh.

Someone who shares my humor. So we can cry laughing together while we fall on our asses. Till our stomach hurts and our eyes go dry and our voices go coarse.

That's what I want, a little part of it anyway.

Can we fast forward to the day I find that? If it's even possible to find.

I watched a movie today and someone in it said "I think life is about finding love, because some of my happiest moments in life were when I was in love."

And that resonated with me.

—

On a real world note, I went swimming today at a gym pool and it was nice. I had an endorphin high afterwards and I missed that feeling. Swimming always made my lungs feel open and like every breath of air was new.

I also went to chips family restaurant (finally made it boys @reference to my old tinder bio)
I got some good pancakes, but I think I have had better to be honest.

I have to work tomorrow and I am not entirely looking forward to it, but I know the action of working will boost my mood for the day. So I suppose that is good.

I'm gonna keep listening to this song on repeat. As I was writing this the kid I mentioned finally snapped me back. I don't want to answer him to be honest.

And I know most people would tell me if you want to talk more to him just text him. But I always feel like I come off too strong if I do that. If we wants to talk to me he knows I am here and he will. But he hasn't. So

I don't have the time or energy to endure a call with him tonight. I like him but I'm the end everything just seems pointless seeing as he is an hour away and a year younger so maybe I should just move on and he's doing me a favor of pushing me toward the right direction.

**update he never called, and that hurt a little bit more

I'll find love someday. I hope.

I want to have a family somehow. Soooo the universe better get on it and send my soulmate this way.

Goodnight folks (even though I know it's mostly just me rereading these entries)

-Rachel