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September 29th 2021 11:09 AM

Two weeks ago things ended between me and my boyfriend.

Today would have been eight months.

It's silly to think it's affecting me so much but he was my first love. And now I have to see his face in every single class.

The truth is I should not let it upset me. I can tell from earlier entries that even when the relationship started there were so many red flags that told me to quit while I was ahead—but I didn't.

Because it was my first relationship. And I wanted to convince myself I was loveable. And I wanted to get past all those milestones I felt so behind on. My first kiss, sex, just being able to say that I had a boyfriend.

So I let it go on and I tried to convince myself that maybe things would change but they didn't.
It wasn't a true relationship. I felt more like a play thing than a person he loved. Felt used, even though I went out of my way to do so many kind things for him.

The seven and some months I dated him he only paid for one meal for me. And that was on the terms that I would buy him coffee afterwards. He would act like we hardly knew each other in class. And would make me drive an hour to meet him when it was convenient for him, when he wanted something to fuck, but would never drive an hour to see me unless it was on his way.

He abandoned me at his family functions that he made me go to, in which I knew no one. He would constantly tease me, but in a way I did not enjoy. It felt mocking, rather than affectionate.

I brought up my concerns about our relationship before the end of things, and although he acknowledged his fault in the matter, nothing changed. He blamed himself, seemingly wanting pity, but did nothing about his actions.

And that's why it ended. I don't think he ever cared enough for me. I think he wanted a girlfriend to have a girlfriend, to have someone who cared for him, but he couldn't be bothered to do the same because he simply did not love me enough.

And I would be critical to say that doesn't apply to me as well. I kept going because I wanted to be in a relationship. Even the small moments where I did feel loved made it seem worth it.
And hell, even though it seemed he only wanted me for sexual pleasure most times, even that felt good- to simply be desired and wanted.

I just think in the end we were toxic for each other. Stringing each other along and creating a negative mental headspace for both of us. And yeah it sucks.

And I don't know how long I will feel this way for. Everyone says the first breakup is always the worst. But I know that seeing him in class doesn't help.

But I need to move on and focus on better things in life— things I deserve.

I deserve happiness, reciprocated love.

I have to once again begin manifesting these things for myself.

On top of this I'm entirely anxious about school and graduating and having to do a job I hate and suck at. You can say I feel like I'm being buried alive right now.

My depression has been at an all time low. Like really really bad. I've had many suicidal thoughts,  and even a plan if someone asked.

But I still have no intention of acting. And hopefully that doesn't change.

Although I can't tell you how worse things will get.

Here is to hoping for a better end to the year, a happy 21st birthday, a happy life, and hopefully finding purpose/peace with my major and life.

Cheers,
Rachel