Not If I Save You First

twenty-nine | trigger

"Say goodbye," I whispered in his ear.

"Fine!" Donovan shouted. He refused to take his eyes off Little Dean. "Fine. I'll tell you what I know."

I loosened the pressure of my blade. A small knick in his neck dripped onto his clothes. My blade was still against his skin, but it didn't hurt him as much and he'd be able to talk.

We didn't have much time to hear the entire story in full, so Donovan Halstead better be ready to give a quick summary of where Leila is.

"Start talking," I said, "and don't waste our time. Give us locations."

"On the night of the kidnapping, Leila shows up in a limo. She says, 'no one's going to suspect the kidnapped victims to be in a limo.' She took them to an abandoned warehouse in Midtown. After the feds started investigating, she started moving them from warehouse to warehouse all across the city," Donovan explained.

"I need locations. Every single warehouse you can remember," I said, adding slight pressure to the blade on his neck. Pulling the hair on top of his head to give me more access to his neck. His unshaven skin was rough against my hand, but I kept the pressure against his neck.

Donovan Halstead started rattling off the places that he remembers. Leila would confuse him by switching locations multiple times in one day.

"Her favorite place was an abandoned office space near Federal Plaza. Having Maya and William look out the window and see their agents working to find them was the ultimate psychological torture," Donovan said.

The door to the interrogation room swings open and a frightened looking Archer is staring at the sight in front of him. Archer knows and understands that I'm a deadly individual, but he's never seen this version of me in action. I'm standing behind Donovan Halstead with a blade to his neck. Blood is dripping from his neck onto my fingers and down my wrist.

I don't bother making eye contact with Archer.

"Anything else you can tell us?" I questioned.

"It must be upsetting to see the love of your life look so afraid of you," Donovan smirked, leaning back into my chest. "I felt your heart start to race the second he walked in. You're worried that he's going to see the killer inside you and run far away from you."

"Shut up!" I shouted. "Shut up or I will kill you!"

"I know I'm going to die soon, but I'm not going to die today. You need me to find the Hawthorne's. It takes three people to access the technology, Maya and William have clung to the idea that I'll never find those three," Donovan said.

I huffed out a breath and threw his head down onto the table. I know that I can't kill him now! Killing Donovan Halstead will ruin the only leads we're able to get right now.

Fuck you, Donovan Halstead!

🂧

It was almost midnight when Little Dean, Archer, and I walked into my apartment. I kept my hands in my pockets so that no one would see the blood all along my wrists. Celia wasn't here. I assumed she was in her own apartment sleeping for the first time in weeks. Grayson and Thea were sitting on the living room couch. He was going through the transcripts for my recording of our time with Donovan Halstead.

"Impressive interrogation tactic," Grayson said when I walked in.

"Thank you, big brother," I said, marching past him onto our balcony.

Feeling the nighttime city sky against my skin is the only thing keeping me from going on a rampage throughout the apartment. I ruthlessly held a blade to Donovan Halstead's neck and Archer watched me do it. I thought I could keep the killer inside of me and not let Archer see what I can do.

Bringing Archer into this world has greater consequences than I could've imagined. He doesn't need to see me the way I am. Archer shouldn't think of me as a killer.

"You once told me that you stayed with me because you knew I was innocent. You've known from the beginning that I wasn't in the apartment when my parents were taken," Archer said, trying to piece the puzzle together as he spoke. He paused, unable to fill in the pieces himself. "How could you have known that I wasn't there? How did you know I was innocent before you even met me?"

Shit. Fucking hell.

I turned around and leaned against the balcony. Archer stood in the doorway, blocking my freedom from this conversation.

"On the night your parents were taken, I was doing surveillance of your apartment. I was on a roof looking into your apartment. I was trying to find you and I wasn't paying attention to your apartment. Next thing I knew, your parents were being taken," I explained.

"And you couldn't do anything to help them?" Archer questioned.

I ran a hand over my face. He's never going to understand this.

"I couldn't! I didn't have a choice! I wasn't put on this mission until after that night! I was suspended from missions and I was working on my parents murder off the clock," I explained.

"You stayed in the shadows and let them be taken?" Archer questioned, clenching his fists at his side.

"I didn't have a choice!" I shouted. "I couldn't be anywhere near a crime scene."

"You had a choice. You decided to choose your job over their lives," Archer sighed.

He's not wrong.

I don't consider what I did to be a choice. To me, there wasn't a choice to be made. I didn't have a choice to stay in the shadows. If I didn't then the sensitivity of every covert operations officer would be put in jeopardy. Our agency would fall under scrutiny for recruiting a child.

Archer will never understand this. He doesn't understand the life I live, and how I'm ordered to live this life.

"I don't get to make choices. I'm given my orders and I'm expected to follow them blindly. That's the way it's always been," I murmured.

"I just- I think I need a minute to process all of this," Archer murmured. His voice barely above a whisper. "Can I get a minute alone to rack my brain around this?" He requested.

I left the room to give him his moment of privacy. Little does he know this is the end. This is the end of Archer and I.

Telling Archer about who I am, and what I've been doing proved to be difficult for me. I didn't think it would take me so long to finally spew out the words. Archer knows that I'm a secret agent. He knows that I'm physically capable of killing a person with no remorse. Now he knows that I'm responsible for his parents being taken.

His minute alone is going to turn into a long while of being alone. I don't want to leave Archer, but I don't have a choice. I need to accomplish my mission. I need to avenge my parents. I need to bring Archer's parents home safely. I may never have my parents with me again, but I can give Archer back his parents.

"Bye Archer," I whispered to myself.