Cheaters ✓

Loved More

19 November 2020

I thought a lot about what happened the last time Yoongi and I met. Part of it was magical. And part of it had shown us our reflection in the reality mirror and scared us both. I say 'both' because we did talk about it on the phone and in texts.

The decision itself, of leaving everything and disappearing, didn't scare us. Maybe because we had convinced ourselves that we deserved this. And when we convince ourselves of something, the decision-making is only an eventuality. So that way the first part was done. The fact that our partners would be left high and dry unsettled us the most. Divorce was not an option. Yoongi was clear that even if he demanded one, his husband wouldn't agree. Not because he loved him. Maybe he did love him. But because he loved another man and wanted to live with him. He said he knew his husband well. He would take it as an insult and see me as a competitor. He would then wage war rather than try to understand that his husband wasn't interested in him any more. And then there were his parents, his husband's parents, his relatives, his husband's relatives...
He was sure name-calling and mud-slinging would ensue as nobody in his or his husband's family had ever been divorced. It was considered a taboo.

I didn't think my parents would have an issue. My only problem was Jungkook and what I would tell him. I couldn't even tell him I didn't love him, because I did. I couldn't say something stupid like 'I love you but I don't want to live with you any more'. Even if I did say it, it would weigh heavily on my conscience. Hence, disappearing was in a way the best option but not the most courageous. Or so we thought. No explanation, no justification and, most importantly, no confrontation. It sounded doable when we talked about it, but something about it made me uncomfortable. Weren't Yoongi and I demeaning our own love if we chose to disappear just like that? Wouldn't our partners remember us as traitors if we simply walked out on them? I didn't know about Yoongi, but I couldn't do this to Jungkook. It was like telling him that whatever we had shared in all these years of knowing each other, staying with each other, standing by each other, was all a pretence. There was no truth in it. And I was pretty sure Jungkook wouldn't be able to take it. Honestly, neither would I.

Yoongi and I had taken some time away from each other. We had decided that the next time we met we would have our answers ready. If we didn't then we wouldn't talk about it again. The next time was today.

We decided to meet at the Seoul University campus again. There was a serene vibe to the place. The kind you need when you are going to make an important decision. It felt like we were on a ship in the middle of the ocean and now was the time to take a call on the direction we wanted to go in, for that would decide our shores.

We parked our cars and started strolling. He held my arm with both his hands as we slowly walked along the lonely road, till we reached a tree under which a few cycles were kept. All of them were locked. Then Yoongi left me, and I saw him doing something on his phone. I inquired but he gestured with his hand to be quiet. After a few minutes, he went up to one of the cycles, scanned a code on the vehicle and unlocked it. He repeated it with another cycle.

'Let's do this,' he said as he mounted it. I understood that the cycles were managed by some app. I took the other unlocked one. I was cycling after ages. It was rejuvenating. We rode next to each other.

'So, do you have an answer?' he asked. We were cycling up a slope.

'Frankly, I don't think I can disappear without having a talk with Jungkook.'

'Then talk to him first and leave,' he said.

'I mean....'

'I know what you mean. I respect that. Nobody should break up like that. To be honest, even I thought about it a lot. I can't just walk out on my husband one fine day. It's one of those thoughts that can make you feel good but are not practical

'Exactly my feeling. So, do we not....'

'I have an idea,' he said as we cycled down a slope.

'What is it?' I asked once we were back on level ground.

'The plan doesn't have an expiry date,' he said.

'Correct.'

'I think it's okay to let it be till we are sure of doing it.'

'Absolutely. But what are you arriving at?'

'Why don't we prepare our partners in such a way that they don't feel our absence once we leave? Emotionally, physically. No casualties on either side,' he said, and after a moment realized I'd stopped cycling. He stopped too. But I caught up with him the next moment.

'What happened?' he asked.

'I think it's a brilliant way to go about it.' At least it would take care of the simmering guilt with which we would have to live if we left them, I thought.

'Then let's start planning?'

As I stood there, I enly felt positive about this decision of ours. We weren't disappearing just like that, after all. We would prepare our respective partners in a way that they wouldn't break down after we disappeared. If we were choosing what we wanted, we were also preparing them so they didn't feel lost. That's what you call a responsible break-up, if such a thing existed. I think I loved Yoongi more that day onwards.

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