Cheaters ✓

Bitch, again?

"how much love
how much joy
i comfort myself and stay calm alone."

- outro: ego

1 October 2020

'I somewhat agree,' I said.

'Somewhat?' he sounded surprised.

I looked at the row of branded stores to my right. We were in Seasons Mall, the one closer to my office. I was reconsidering what he'd just said: 'Sometimes I don't tell my husband everything, fearing he will judge me.' Then he had stated a relationship paradox: 'To begin with, your happiness lies in the revelation of the self to your partner and then it lies in how much you cover up.'

'Or hide,' I'd added.

Now, I said as an afterthought, 'I take the somewhat away. I do agree.'

And why wouldn't I. Consider Jungkook and me. We had been together for nine years-from meeting to dating to marriage. Before Jungkook, I never had any serious affairs. He had had one in college. They fucked thirty-two times in two weeks. After that they both realized they were kidding each other. Neither was in love. He looked good, Jungkook looked great. Both were attractive. Both devoured each other's body. And then it was time to move on. The good thing was that neither of them got attached. Then he began a serious relationship with me.

Call it destiny, but we didn't have sex for the longest time during our dating phase. If someone asked me why, I wouldn't have an answer. It just happened that way. Maybe he was carrying a lesson from his previous relationship, while I was never the kind to initiate anything. Then there was also a phase when we craved each other physically. Please don't confuse it with sex. As I mentioned, sex came much later. What I meant was, I used to wear my best clothes, best perfume, be in my best mood and always take a small gift for him whenever we met. He would do the same. Everything was extreme. Our love, our passion, our fights. I didn't even realize when this phase got over and we were in the next one, where it was okay if I met him without having a bath; in my shorts and Flip flops . It was okay if my breath smelt of the food I had eaten. You know, those small things I was particular about earlier didn't matter any more. It was the same with him. Earlier, he would always be impeccably groomed, but then I started noticing that stray armpit hair. Nothing wrong with that but I knew something had changed. Perhaps we had become comfortable in each other's company and had left the pretence behind, revealing our true selves. Come to think of it, with how many people can we actually be ourselves?

Till we confessed our love for each other, Jungkook and I used to share our craziest and most unfiltered fantasies. Like the filthiest ones, with no fear of judgement. And then he stopped. I thought he wasn't comfortable or interested, so I didn't bring it up. In fact, I did, once or twice, but was told it wasn't the right time. I respected that and waited. Then I realized that too was a phase within a phase.