BALANCE | A Star Wars story

XLIX

Arden and I spend the next week rarely leaving each others side. The force has never been so peaceful. It hums a gentle tune that is filled with contentment and love.

     During the day we pass the time by playing games like Dejarik and Sabacc. Arden is way better than me at Sabacc which balancing things out as I'm way better than him at Dejarik. However we both learn from each other and soon are able to beat the other in our weaker games. Although that one time he beat me was just purely luck on his part, and I was distracted.

      At night, we curl up in my bed and fall asleep to the sounds of each others gentle breathing. It's not long though until we are both shaken awake by the rough hands of nightmares. Mine are filled with recent events and bits of my childhood. Arden's nightmares are also from his childhood with the Hutt's, which I don't know much about but from what I've gathered it was much like my own.

       Tonight, the night before we reach Coruscant, I wake in cold sweat after seeing Mazal's death for the thousandth time. I question what I could've done differently to save them. But questions like that will drive one insane so I push them away into the force.

     Acceptance is the hardest part of grief, it means accepting that those horrid things are real not some horrific fantasy made by the brain to scare you. Accepting that they are dead means moving on into the future without them and that terrifies me. I know what the Jedi would say, 'leave the weight of the  past behind so to be able to move forward'. I also know what the Sith would say, 'use the anger, hatred and fear from the past and turn it into a fuel for the future'.

     I struggle to let ago but I will not succumb to my anger, I promised Mazal and I will not dishonour that promise.

     "Erin," Arden's sleep filled voice brings me back to the present. I look down at him from where I have sat up in bed and offer a weak smile in the dim light.

     "Hey," I lie back down, my head resting on his chest. His hand automatically goes to my hair, stroking it reassuringly.

      "Same thing?" He asks, we've talked about my nightmares. Arden also witnessed it. We haven't, however, talked about his. I've tried but whenever I do he steers the conversation in a different direction. I should try harder but I don't want to push, he'll tell me when he's ready.

       "Yeah," I whisper into the darkness. "Were you already awake or...?"

        "I was already awake, don't worry." I says thinking I'd be worried that I woke him. I'm worried he was awake at all.

       "Do... do you want to talk about it?" I ask a little hesitantly.

        "What can I say? We both had messed up childhoods and mine hasn't quite let me go yet," he sighs.

        "If I was some 'wise' Jedi Master I would tell you  to let go of the past but as telling you so would make me a hypocrite I won't. I will tell you, though, that I am here to talk to if you want to. It may lessen the burden on your shoulders."

        "Thank you, I just... I don't think I'm ready yet," he mumbles into my hair.

        "Take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere."

        "Can I ask you a question?" Ahh there is the change in conversation.

        "Of course," I reply.

        "Do have a last name? I mean, I know you said your name was Erin Anders when we met but I just wondered if that was a name the Jedi made up or if it was your real one." He rambles slightly at the end, obviously embarrassed.

"It's a bit of a long story."

"I've got no where to be."

"Okay well, just know I'm not good at telling stories." I say taking a deep breath before beginning my tale, I can't remember exactly what he knows so I'll just say it all. I tell him about Lysa Anders and how I was ordered to kill her then ran to the Jedi where they gave me the last name Anders as I didn't have one before and to keep Lysa's memory alive. I then tell him about the time Lysa visited me in a dream and how I no longer really consider myself an Anders as it was never my name to begin with. "Seriously the only good thing the Jedi did was shorten my name from Erinyes to Erin which was already done by Maz," I laugh nostalgically. "Now I guess I don't really have a last name, I prefer it that way though. Now I don't belong to something, I can be free, I can just be 'Erin'. I prefer it that way."

"Thank you for telling me," he whispers after staying silent the entire time I was talking.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"If you could, would you try and find your parents?" I wait with baited breath as we lie in silence whilst Arden digests my question. I fear I've gone too far when we've been in silence for a while but eventually he answers.

       "I... I don't know," he pauses before continuing. "Probably not, I mean they gave me up and left me to those horrid Hutt's."

       "What if they had a good reason?" I ask timidly.

       "There is no excuse for a parent who has abandoned their child. When they have that kid they have an obligation to look after them, no matter what. If you aren't ready to have a kid. Don't have one. Simple." His voice is becoming more and more passionate, borderline dangerous. "I don't care if they were being hunted by whoever or whatever was happening, I would've rathered growing up on the run with parents than growing up without parents in that hellhole."

        "I understand that but what if they truly did have a good reason, what if it was the hardest decision of their lives and they have lived everyday in regret." I really need to be quiet, the air is tense now.

"Do you know why my ship is called the Libertas?" He asks and I shake my head no. "Libertas means freedom, it's my freedom from the Hutt's. My freedom from the life my parents left me in with nothing but the clothes on my back when I was a baby."

"Arden—" I begin but he cuts me off.

      "If they cared so much they would've come back for me, the only reason I would ever want to meet them was to find out the reason they abandoned me. Then I would walk right back out of their lives like they did mine." I sighs and all the tension goes out of him. "I like to think they're dead, it makes things easier. That way I continue telling myself they had an extremely good reason and it haunted them until their dying days."

        "I'm sorry, that that happened to you and that I brought it up." I whisper into his neck, pressing a small kiss there.

        "No, I'm sorry I got a little wound up. I've talked about my past but I want to tell you Erin. I really do, just... just give me time."

         "Take all the time you need mah patogga."

         "Jun ikha," he whispers in response as we both fall back asleep wrapped tightly in each others arms, where we were always suppose to be.