BALANCE | A Star Wars story

XXX

    "Welcome home?" I laugh "I've never been here before in my life!"

     The man looks unfazed but my outburst, no matter. I've come here to kill him. And that's what I'll do. No more talking.

      I charge at him, using the force to call my lightsaber into my hand and ignite it on the way. I jump slightly and swing at the mans neck but the swing is stopped only a centimetre from his neck.

My entire body is frozen, feet mere inches away from the ground but unable to reconnect. I struggle against the invisible force holding me captive but with no luck.

  The man just stands there and chuckles. He fucking chuckles. Gods I want to kill him. With a flick of his hand I go flying backwards my lightsaber leaving my hand and falling somewhere I can't see.

My head connects with a large rock and in the moments before I black out I hear the man speak.

"I thought I taught you better than that." I can hear the disapproval in his voice and immediately want to correct what ever mistake I've made.

  I see his face come into view, a blurred mess of red. Nothing but red. Then. Black.

○ ○ ○

This time the dream is completely different.

The place I'm in is so dark that I can't work out if it has any walls or if there's anything here at all. I spin around slowly as if that will help me see, but of course it doesn't.

      I strain my eyes against the darkness, I feel for my lightsaber but only to find it's not there. I sigh. What am I doing here? This is preferable to my normal dream but this one's quite boring, at least the other one kept me on my toes.

      A faint blue light glows from behind me and a swivel around to see the outline of a woman who is blue and see through. I tilt my head in confusion, the woman's back is too me but I can tell she's a Tholothian due to her tendrils that reach her shoulders. She is dressed in the traditional Jedi robes but somehow I sense she is not the traditional Jedi.

      She turns to face me and my throat closes up, shock taking over my body, stopping my breathing. I force myself to take deep breaths but I cannot stop seeing that lightsaber plunge into her middle. Because of course, it's the woman I killed.

       Okay the woman I killed in a dream. But something makes me believe it was more than a dream, something that I'm too afraid to realise.

      "Hello Erin," she smiles at me warmly, like a mother to her child.

     "Who— what?" I stutter slightly, too many questions trying to escape my head all at once.

       "My name is Lysa Anders, we've met before you just don't remember." She walks closer to me, slowly as if not to frighten me.

     "I— I remember," I say "I saw you in a dream, you were in a cell being tortured and you— I— I killed you."

       "You did not kill me, I wasn't strong enough to resist them anymore and killed myself," she says gently. "I have to apologise, I shouldn't have made you think that you killed me, I should've been stronger and I am truly sorry for it."

       "You— you told me to find Chee," I say "did you know my Master?"

       "I did," she smiles as if remembering something fond. "I was a Jedi Sentinel, part of the Jedi investigators, my job was to track down criminals and any threats to the Jedi." She pauses for a moment, watching as I listen with rapt attention. "One day I caught word that the Sith were regaining power and the council sent me and Chee to investigate the threat."

       "He was a Sentinel too?" I ask, it makes no sense for him to have been a Sentinel.

       "No, he was just a Knight back then but the council thought I might need back up" she laughs slightly. "So we travelled across the galaxy for a bit trying to find the location of this mysterious Iokath and became good friends. The council ended up calling Chee back to Coruscant to help with peace negotiations somewhere and I continued on by myself."

       I'm hanging onto her every word, my mind bursting with questions but I dare not interrupt, who knows how long it'll be before I'm dragged back to consciousness.

        "I found two Sith Lords on Korriban but unfortunately I was captured before I could tell the council. Then... well you know the rest."

        "I— I don't" I say "I can't remember anything from before my accident four years ago."

       "You do, you're just blocking it out, you don't want to know and you must because it's a part of who you are."

        "No," I shake my head adamantly "whoever I was, I don't want to be them anymore, that's not me."

      "Light and Dark both reside deep within your soul, it's up to you to find the balance between them."

"No. I can't. I am a Jedi not a Sith."

"And a good one but the best of the Jedi know that the darkness is all around us, they acknowledge it but do not succumb to it. They do not push it away like it's some deadly disease."

"I need Master Nilim, he helps me to control the darkness, bring him to me!" I beg desperately, I can feel it. I have felt it for a long time. The darkness. The thing that tries to penetrate my soul has always been warded off by Master Nilim and ever since he died I haven't been able to find the strength to push it away.

"I— I can't," she admits sadly.

"Why?"

"He does not wish to see you, he thinks he failed as a Master and believes that it's all his fault keeping this from you."

Ouch. That stings. He does not want to see me. He does not want to see the padawan that regarded him as a father figure. He doesn't want to see me and now as the memories come swirling back, I understand why. He is afraid, he is a coward. To think I just to respect him. It's weird, isn't it, how it's only because of death that we realise we never knew someone.

      Lysa must realise what she's said and how she said it because she immediately flinches and tries to correct it.

  "No, that came out wrong." She hesitates and reaches out and places a glowing hand on my shoulder. "All I meant was—"

"He doesn't want to see me." I pull away and laugh harshly, holding back tears by sheer willpower. "That's exactly what you meant." I feel myself being pulled back to consciousness, "it's fine, I'll do this by myself."

"No Erin!" Lysa calls after me, I can't believe my last name came from her. But that's not my last name at all is it? No, I can't stop hiding from the truth. In a sudden rush it all comes back to me. Every memory. All I needed to do was stop hiding. Well guess what. I'm not hiding anymore.

"Remember what I've said!" Lysa shouts as I'm pulled away from her, "don't listen to them! Find a balance!"

And with that my eyes crack open.