BALANCE | A Star Wars story

II

      The muscles in my legs scream in pain as we trudge back to our ship. Considering it was a massive hall that we, well Master Nilim, did the negotiations in, there were no seats.

A Jedi's downfall. Standing for hours on end.

I wasn't even doing anything, just stood there watching my Master do all the talking. It was quite frankly the most boring mission in the history of the Jedi. I crave a real mission, on the front lines of the war where I can actually be useful instead of just stood in some grand hall trying to procure weapons.

Our ship, the Redempti, comes into view and I can almost feel the hard metal of my chair in the cockpit. I push my legs, willing them to go just a little faster so I can sit down finally. The blue and white XS stock light freighter calls to me and I almost forget my manners in my haste.

I say a rushed thank you and goodbye to the guards who escorted us back to the ship and climb the ramp, my Master not far behind. I turn down the curved hallway through the main hold and holoterminal before reaching the bridge where I promptly slide into my seat sighing out in relief.

"Are your legs not killing you?" I ask as Master Nilim walks in much more slowly and composed than I did.

"Only some mild discomfort," he replies robotically as he sits in his own chair and flicks a few switches.

"Mild discomfort?" I say bewildered, "Master we were stood up not moving for almost five hours! Honestly how long do negotiations take? Couldn't you of just agreed to the first thing she said then we could've left, maybe gone an adventure..."

"You have much to learn about patience padawan, and no I couldn't of just agreed to the first thing she said as it wasn't what the Jedi wanted."

"All I'm hearing is excuses Master," I smirk reclining back in my chair.

     "We need to talk about that nightmare of yours." He flicks a switch and the engines roar to life, suddenly all traces of my joking mood wash away as my walls come up barricading my face.

     "Now?" I ask, not meaning for the word to be quite so icy.

     "I understand that you don't want to talk about it and that you dislike meditation—" I snort, dislike is putting it mildly, he ignores me and carries on speaking whilst simultaneously flying the ship back out into space. "When we get back to Coruscant we're going to practice mediation with Grandmaster Moza—"

    "Ughhhh really?" I groan standing from my seat.

     "Yes, we're going to conquer these nightmares and—"

     "I'll be in the conference room," I cut him off not willing to have this discussion right now and I stalk out of the cockpit.

○ ○ ○

     What the fuss about they're just dreams, it's not even like something bad happens in them just me staring a bloody red wall...

     I shiver, the wall may not be anything particularly bad but that doesn't stop it from haunting my vision anytime I lose focus.

Maybe training with Master Moza will help me, I know I am not the 'perfect' Jedi by any stretch so maybe if I train with him... I don't know. I want to be a better Jedi, a better padawan to Master Nilim but I don't know how. I lost 16 years of my life in an accident four years ago but I know that is no excuse. I should be better, I will be better. I just have to try harder to block out my emotions.

     After a bit of thought I decide to give mediation another go whilst we are travelling to Coruscant, if I can get my mind to clear by the time we reach our destination then Masters Nilim and Moza may go easy on me today.

I straighten my back against the chair feeling the steady rock of the ship sooth my worries away. I take a deep breath and allow my mind to wonder into the force.

A dull ache resonates in the lower part of my back, temping my mind out of its peaceful state. I force myself to push past the little things that so often distract me from this simple task.

I focus my concentration on my breathing, in and out, in and out, I feel the pains start to disappear as my mind separates from the body. Frustration lingers at the back of my mind like an annoying fly but my shields come up acting as a fly squatter squashing the frustration before it can infiltrate my brain further.

I allow myself to feel a small sense of pride, it's rare I make it this far into meditation. Maybe my need to be better is helping me get further.

Then. Nothing.

My mind is empty, vast and beautiful like a clear blue sky on a summers day. An soothing calm washes over me eradicating my earlier worries and easing the weight upon my shoulders. Tentatively I pick up every negative emotion and purge them;

Anger at my amnesia,

Frustration at my nightmares,

Fear of not being a perfect Jedi, of disappointing my master, of never remembering who I was. Fear of who I could be.

Fear. That devil clings to my shoulder and no matter what it refuses to leave me, my constant companion but in my meditative state I find it easy to quiet the voice feeding the inner turmoil deep within my core.

Clarity dances along my ribs, strums at my heartstrings and massages any remaining fear from my thoughts. The force fills my mind with peace and serenity giving me the illusion I have managed to fall back into the awaiting hands of sleep.

But sleep never allows peace for long, no, it gets bored and decides to torment some poor unexpecting soul with visions so realistic that they plague ones mind for days, months or years.

The baby blue sky stares down at me continuing the illusion of tranquility, I take a deep breath somehow extending my mind further into the force and embracing the calm that crashes down upon me.

I glance back at the sky, something catching my eye instantly. A small glowing dot, a deep shade of red, breaks a fragment of the deception I had placed myself under. It begins to grow, taking over the sky with its fierce anger as the blue sky fades and the frustration, anger and fear invade my thoughts once again and this time I can't push them away. They have a home in my stomach and heart and no matter what I do they refuse to leave.

The sky is almost fully crimson now, a few blue strains hold on desperately but soon are engulfed, fear once again holding me prisoner.

The last flicker of blue dies.

I snap awake.

The sound of wailing sirens fills my ears.

-Authors note-
I have no idea if I described mediation well at all, I can't say I've ever mediated so I did some research and put together this but I have no idea if it is actually like mediation.
But yeah, how are we liking it?