BALANCE | A Star Wars story

XLVIII

My mothers blade plunged into Mazal's stomach.

Mazal's blood dripping onto my already crimson hands.

My parents lying in a bed of flowers. Too pretty and peaceful for what they deserved yet too cruel.

"Go find your blue sky," Mazal's voice distantly echoes in my head.

Master Nilim's ship exploding.

Lysa Anders kneeling on the floor of a cell with a lightsaber through her middle.

Mazal.

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       I wake with a scream, bolting upright in the bed. My heart beats erratically in my chest and I can't breath. I heave trying to suck oxygen into my lungs with little success.

        Distantly I feel hands on my arms but it doesn't feel real, like a dream.

         "Erin... deep breaths... Erin?" Somebody speaks but I can't place who.

         I blink rapidly and a face comes into view, it's warm and steady but I can see the fear resting behind their eyes. I hand rests on mine and lift it up to their chest.

         "Focus on me, my breathing and try to copy it," he breaths in deeply. "Can you do that for me sweetheart? Please, just focus on me." I do, I focus on my hand that rests on his chest and focus on his calm breathing.

         Shuddering I begin to take slow, deep breath to match his. And the panic begins to fissile out, leaving a wicked headache and a parched throat. Slowly I open my eyes, I must've closed them at some point, and see Arden looking at me with my hand still clutched in his.

          "Arden?" I croak.

          "I'm here jun ikha," he says soothingly, rubbing circles into my palm.

           "What happened?"

           "You had a nightmare which resulted in a panic attack." Suddenly it all comes rushing back to me.

           "I'm sorry..." I trail off looking down, embarrassed.

           "Hey," he grabs my chins between his calloused fingers and brings my head up so I'm looking right at him. "You have nothing to apologise for, you just went through something no one should ever have to go through. You're allowed to feel sad, you're allowed to feel scared, you're allowed to feel angry and you're allowed to feel all the thousands of emotions that you probably do right now. Never apologise for feeling, especially not after the druk you just went through." I look up at him, a warm feeling settling in my chest.

"Thank you," I whisper and I feel tears collect behind my eyes. I don't want to cry, I'm not a crier but as the reality of everything comes crashing down around me I struggle to control them. Arden must see the tears in eyes because he pulls me into his chest gently and I rest my head in the crook of his neck.

"You never have to hide anything with me," he whispers soothingly. "You never have to hide the way you feel." With that the damn holding the tears back breaks and tears begin pouring from my eyes. Arden just pulls me closer, it's an awkward position to be sat in but I wouldn't change it for anything.