psithurism | DNF

chapter 37

TW: implied suicide
i hate this chapter im sorry😞 vote tho?:]
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The more and more George realized he was nearing the end, he always wondered,

We won't forget each other, right?

Though George sometimes wished he would forget about Dream. He felt awful blaming it on him. Yet he still would, just to release some anger. So he wouldn't be completely mad at himself.

But as he saw Sapnap grow more worried about him, the more he felt like crying. He had heard Sapnap crying once when he was walking back to his room. And he couldn't help but feel like it was his fault.

Because it was.

George wished he could mend all the wounds he had opened up for other people when he wasn't himself.

He couldn't recognize himself in the mirror anymore. Not even because of looks, but because of the crowded thoughts that he imagined covered his face when he stood in front of the mirror.

He wasn't the same person he was a few months back and he couldn't help but hate himself more every day for letting himself get this deep.

He'd never been so mad at the world since he left.

-

Today's song of the day was Cigarette Daydreams, by Cage The Elephant. He noticed it fit almost perfectly as the forecast called for rain today. As his thoughts drifted off, the sound of rain rung through his ears like a bell.

He admired its beauty, wishing he had someone to dance outside with. A thought came across his mind, why didn't he just dance outside himself?

He quickly jolted up, getting the focus from everyone in the room.

Sapnap smiled, happy to see his best friend in what seemed like excitement, "What's up with you?" Sapnap chuckled.

"I'm gonna go dance out in the rain!" George exclaimed. He kept on his sweatpants and put on a hoodie in hopes of keeping his AirPods dry. He rested the hoodie over his head, quickly slid on some shoes, and bolted out the door.

He was glad it was a weekend, no one would be out though, hence the weather being shitty. Yet he didn't think it was shitty, he thought it was wonderful.

He felt like everyone else when he said he loved the rain, but he truly did love it. Hearing the droplets hit the ground, gave him some sort of clarity. He felt, safe. Like he was surrounded by droplets of people that cared for him, that wouldn't leave his side.

Once the rain stopped though, he felt utterly alone. They had left his side. Like no one around him that was human knew how he was feeling, like none of them cared. He felt guilty feeling this way, but he couldn't stop the emotions from caving in on him.

Now wasn't the time to feel alone, he had the rain! Dancing to Cigarette Daydreams was a daydream. As he swirled his body around in the rain, he felt a spark of happiness.

He loved that spark of happiness more than anything. It made him feel maybe, just maybe, he'd be alright. Maybe it would ignite once and for all one day.

No, it won't. You're stuck in internal sadness because of yourself.

His dancing slowly came to a stop, now he would just stand in the rain. He didn't quite feel utterly alone, he was alone enough. Alone enough to start planning it.

How he would do it, when he would do it. It all came together. That way he would at least leave his loved ones something to remember him by, the songs surely are enough.

Finally.

Eleven weeks to go.

He stopped his way back into his dorm to let the fake ones around him know he was angry. Why? He wasn't aware in complete honesty.

-

"How was your rai-" Sapnap stopped himself before saying another thing to the now upset boy. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, thanks" George flashed him a quick smile before going to change out of his dripping wet clothes. He decided he would take a shower as well.

He used to like the hottest of showers, now he liked cold showers. He wasn't sure what changed, but they were more refreshing to his messed up mind. It was like it was washing out all his negative energy.

But as soon as he stepped out of the shower, the messed-up thoughts crowded his mind once again like he had taken the hot shower he was avoiding.

He stepped out of the shower and tied a towel around his waist. He didn't dare to step out there even though he was close with everyone in the room except Dream.

He didn't want to admit it but he was scared Dream would make fun of him. He shouldn't care for his opinion though, but he did. And nothing was stopping him from thinking that way.

He put on new washed clothes, surprisingly. Not like he had much of a choice, his clothes were soaking. As he ruffled his hair in the mirror, he felt like he was in a movie.

Like the mirror would break on him, as the world would physically shake around him. Though none of it happen.

You're being dramatic, hurry up and get out of the bathroom.

He obeyed and stepped out, all eyes were on him. They quickly stopped looking at him after George had given them each a glare.

George wondered why Dream wasn't hanging out with Leo as much anymore, he didn't blame him though.

Even if they weren't hanging out as much, George still saw Dream as a horrible person. With or without Leo he was stingy.

Every time he looked at him he was stung with a memory they had created. Small or big, he remembered it. How could he not?

He shook the thoughts off his head and immediately slumped back into his bed. He threw the blankets over his legs and crossed his arms not soon after. He stared at the walls ahead of his bed, not exactly sure what to do.

That's when Sapnap jolted from his bed onto George's bed, resting his head between George's thighs and knees. (don't make it weird /srs)

"Hi, George" Sapnap greeted with. George sneered before answering.

"Hello, Sapnap."

"What're you up to George?"

"Nothing, Sapnap. Can I interest you in something, you seem needy" he said before laughing once again.

"You wanna go roam the halls with me and Karl? We know you used to have fun running through the endless halls!"

George's eyes lit up. He felt the spark of happiness again begin to ignite. He nodded his head eagerly before Sapnap pulled him up from his bed and hugged him tightly.

As they slid their shoes on, they acted as if Dream wasn't there. Which was rightfully deserved, right?

George snuck a couple of glances at Dream. Even from afar, you could tell his eyes were watery. George hated the boy, but he felt bad for some reason.

George felt like something was up with him, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. So he put his attention back onto his friends that were now ready to go run through the halls then potentially get called into the principal's office.

Oh well, it was worth it. George was happier than usual, and that's all that mattered to Sap and Karl!

-

hihi, hope this chapter wasn't too boring. i left one spot for u guys to be confused about bc i think confusion is suspenseful ;)

i'm still not great mentally to write out a whole paragraph but make sure you're taking care of yourself, you're worth it!! message me if you need it<33 and don't be afraid to, i don't bite:) make sure you grab a glass of water before falling asleep love /p!

also point out any typos please, im very tired while editing this

have a good rest of your day/night!
yours truly,
-ali:0