TW: mentions sh, mentions of suicide
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the weather is getting warmer, there's no longer for a need of a jacket and a sweatshirt when i sit on the roof, only a sweatshirt. that's good i think, i'm excited for summer. but the voice tells me i wont make it that far, and leo says he HOPES i don't make it that far. me too.
i want to break things. my sadness has been replaced with anger and it's even harder to deal with. everytime i snap at someone i slit my wrists 2x more than when i was sad rather than angry, im starting to get dizzy from how much blood im loosing. but as a sort of punishment because i shouldn't be snapping at people who care for me. but i cant stop than think they don't care for me and they're doing all the "are u okay, do you need anyone to talk to?" stuff out of pity so they don't find me fucking dead. because no one wants to be the one to fucking find someone dead.
fuck you for leaving me when i fucking needed you the most. but i'm not enough, leo says. so i cant blame anyone. but anger will blame the hell out of you. even if i don't 100% mean it, i won't stop my anger from thinking that way. i've realized swearing has been helping me release a little stress, so i hope everyone accepts it because i can tell they know i've been more angry lately. god i feel like shit, when will it stop? i wonder if he's insane like me, he certainly doesn't seem it. i want to ask him how's he feeling but i can't, he looks blue when he's with leo but that's just my heart convincing myself he still cares for me.
i want to survive this and write songs about it but i cant see myself in a few years let alone a few months. i've finished all my songs, and i'm working on the background music. again, it's the only thing i'm proud of tbh. i cant see myself anywhere else except dead. the thought of death hordes my mind and it's all a jumble. do i do it? do i not? i have a life ahead of me, but the life ahead of me looks like shit. i don't want to continue to hurt. i don't know how much more i can possibly take of this
everytime i write in my journal, im always crying and listening to music. as of right now, i'm listening to 'cigarettes out the window'. it makes me feel guilty in a way because i've told sapnap i would try and quit self harming, for him. i'm trying i swear, i swear. but i'm not. i'm a shitty liar, im a horrible person. how can i possibly bare the guilt of what i'm doing.
i'm not, i'm not dealing with the guilty well, and i wish i were dead.
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psithurism | DNF
ספרות חובביםGeorge, the town's Wild Child. He's known mainly for his guilty behavior around the neighborhood, but also his filthy rich parents. He's mastered sneaking out, but one day, the cops stop the party and arrest George. As soon as his parents find out...
