Enigma II : Magic Card

/27/ I Will Tell You

When you are young, you are meant to follow destinations. It's like a mandate and a purpose. Each and every single person fills you up with dreams to follow, paths to come across, you walk in eight legs instead of two, each running back and forth until you can decide what you really want.

But,

"I need you to be you. You are my bestest friend in the world and I just want you to be that. Stay by my side," that was Anna. She was the only one who used to tell me that. Even being the bestest friend of someone and staying by their side all the time - to be honest, felt kind of imposing and not mutual at times but, her first words carried a lot of weight. Even the day she passed away, just some hours ago she was repeating those same goddamn words. Till now, they kept on haunting me. I had failed to keep those promises. I failed to be the friend she wanted me to be and stay by her side all the time. It was a small task, compared to all others. But I even failed at that. What was I supposed to do?

Die?

I didn't know. Wanting to die and wanting to disappear are two different things. I just wanted to disappear, to a land where there existed no friend, no enemies, I just wanted to be myself. I could keep a part of her promise then. I could still repent for my sins there, alone, with no senses, in the ninth circle of hell, at least?

I killed my closest friend. And here I was, chasing after some nutjobs acting all lawful when I was one of them.

The irony.

What should be my punishment?

I stared at the human-ridden station. Only raindrops and unspoken agony filled up the space, still reminded of the human species in one way. I stared at the rail line for a while. A jester-like voice spoke with a yawning voice in my mind.

"I think you should do it."

Should I do it?

A ringtone came growling past the sound of rain. It sounded like the support of call while the raindrops clapped to the decision, supporting it too. Maybe I should do it. I just, effing, couldn't take it anymore.

I jerked my head. What was I even thinking?

"No, stop. It wasn't my fault. Anna was just there at the wrong time in the wrong place!"

I repeated those same words to the voice, the ones my friends yelled at Fiona as well. It was my only sentence of defense. In the court where I was both the lawyer and the judge, that felt so futile and came so profoundly to be laughed at.

I was failing at it too.

It was like a hypnotic effect that worked on me, working my legs to come closer to the rusting parallel lines. Whole my life that had been a parallel line, I waited for one non-parallel to come and cross me out, but this long wait had been so long. I was tired, I wanted no more non-parallels to come and save me because they never do. They're just as bad as mirages.

"Hey!"

"I know," I said to the voice in my head, "I should." It was right, always right. Even though I knew, I always fought back all alone. But now I wanted to give in and see for once if it was truly right because whatever I chose against until now was never right. If 'right' even existed at the other end.

"Y/N! Stop right there!"

I halted. It was not the voice in my head. And the sound of it was so familiar.

I turned around. In the haze through the bokeh formed by the rain, all I could see was a silhouette walking toward me. Slender, pitter-patter his footsteps, I could not get a grasp on his face. A second yell shot from his mouth had me perceive who it was.