I sent a letter to my mom...

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Dear,
Mom

Mama selalu ngejudge Tasha. Tasha selalu berusaha untuk memenuhi ekpektasi mama yang seakan tidak ada ujungnya. Mama manggil Tasha egois... manggil Tasha pemalas... manggil Tasha nggak ada manner. Tapi apa mama tidak pernah mikirin apa penyebabnya? Mama selalu bandingkan Tasha sama abang-abang. Semua kekurangan Tasha. Coba mama lihat, apa yang mereka bisa lakukan... tapi tidak untuk Tasha? Mereka bebas untuk memilih apa yang mereka inginkan. Bang Andi ikut ekskul disana-sini... bebas untuk hangout sama teman-temannya. Bebas untuk eksplorasi diri. Tapi Tasha? Semuanya selalu dibatasin. Bahkan sampai tugas kelompok saja mama bersikeras kalau mereka yang harus kerumah. They don't like that mom... that's why they all kept their distance from me and I never have any real friends.
Tasha ingat waktu kita sama-sama ke Airpot untuk antar bang Andi berangkat. Bang Erik tanya mama "jadi Andi e-sports sekarang?". Mama bilang kalau itu adalah passionnya, jadi mama pasti bakal dukung. Tapi mama nggak begitu ke Tasha... sudah berkali-kali mama bikin Tasha give up passion Tasha. Saat Tasha mau jadi atlit... mama suruh berhenti. Saat Tasha mau jadi dancer... papa suruh berhenti dan suruh Tasha untuk ambil interior design. Saat Tasha mau terbitkan buku... mama suruh fokus sama kuliah. Saat buku sudah terbit... Tasha mau jadi mentor... tapi mama suruh fokus penjualan buku. Saat Tasha mau mulai usaha... mama bilang itu tidak berguna... dan Tasha tidak akan bisa dapat uang yang cukup untuk kehidupan Tasha, kalau Tasha hanya jualan barang-barang kecil saja. Apa mama tidak pernah pikir... kenapa Tasha hanya bisa jualan yang kecil-kecil? Itu karena MAMA yang ngelanggar janji... mama bilang bakal renovasi ruangan yang sekarang jadi kamar Tasha, supaya Tasha punya art studio. Tapi Tasha tunggu berbulan-bulan... nggak ada.
Tapi begitu bang Andi bilang kalau dia perlu studio untuk E-Sports... mama langsung selesaikan di keesokan harinya. Setiap hari Tasha harus dengarin mama ngomongin soal achievements bang Andi (it's not like I don't support him... because I do. I talked about him to my classmates and asked them to subscribe to him)... memperlihatkan betapa proud dan supportive mama akan profesinya. Tapi sekali Tasha kasih tau perkembangan Tasha di Wattpad... you just brushed me off as if it was nothing (not always... but most of the time). Who am I, mom? Am I really your child? Why do you keep treating me this way? I tried so hard to fulfill your expectations... but they are endless... I'm just a human. I'm not perfect. I'll always have my flaws. But you expected me to always be perfect which is IMPOSSIBLE.
Mama bisa keliling tanyain psikolog di manapun... efek apa yang akan ditimbulkan oleh seorang orang tua yang menahan anaknya menggapai impiannya. Atau nggak usah jauh-jauh... mama ingat yang kak Kastel ceritain? Bagaimana ada orang yang dia kenal menjadi gila gara-gara orang tuanya tidak izinkan dia menjadi penyanyi? Mama bilang kalau itu parah... do you realize that's what you've been doing to me? REPEATEDLY!
Mama bisa baca link ini https://psych2go.net/10-signs-your-parents-are-making-you-depressed/ (10 Signs Your Parents Are Making You Depressed). 7/10 are true and I experienced them from you. Here's what they are:
• They hold you back from your dreams.
o This one is true... as you can read from above. You make me give up on my dreams repeatedly...
• They put a lot of pressures on you
o I tried my best in my studies. It's not my fault for getting those scores, the teacher's expectation is too high... just like yours and it's stressful sometimes... but I still try.
But you kept saying they weren't enough and you expected me to do better. You said "no... they are not your best. You can still do better". Do you know how that made me feel? Pain and stressful.
• They're unemotionally unavailable for you
o Yang ini berhubungan dengan point pertama. Waktu Tasha kasih tau kalau Tasha mulai nulis... you just brushed me off. Lalu saat Tasha bilang mau terbitkan buku... mama bilang "nanti... tunggu selesai jurusan sastra di LaSalle". Padahal mama sendiri yang kasih tau ke Tasha kalau Ms. Nadia bilang ke mama, kalau Tasha perlu setidaknya 5 buku yang terbit. Jadi forget graduating... I won't even get accepted. The only reason I finally get my book published was because of DAD. HE asked you to help me edit my book, it's not your own initiation.
• Their presence overwhelms you
o I feel pressured whenever I'm around you, that's the truth. Kenapa? Karena Tasha takut mama bakal bahas terus kapan Tasha bakal bisa cari uang... sementara mama yang terus-terusan block chances Tasha. Seandainya sejak Tasha awal bilang Tasha mau jadi mentor... and you ket me. Mungkin sekarang Tasha udah punya income... mungkin nggak seberapa, but at least I earned something.
Tasha kalau duduk depan mama... antara pakai earphones atau main game. They act as distractions... without these... I would feel anxious and stress. But you saw that as me slacking off. YOU said it yourself, mom. You called me addicted. You don't know that they're my source of comfort... because of the stresses YOU caused.
• They worsen your depression
o Mama taukan... kalau Tasha nggak suka interior design. Harusnya... sejak panggilan pertama... harusnya mama langsung tau, THAT IS NOT MY THING. You see how unhappy I was... but what did you do?? You persuaded me to keep going. You pulled me back only AFTER my condition worsened. Then what did you first said after I finally withdraw from LaSalle? You didn't comfort me... instead, you scolded me. "Kenapa nggak ngomong langsung? Kan kita jadinya nggak harus keluarin banyak uang. Bedebah lu Sa."
That was very hurtful, mom. It still left scar in my heart up to this day. You even called me a mental and that I should just be in an asylum. You may not remember this... but that happened. Very hurtful.
• Their dysfunction rubbed of on you
o Kembali ke point sebelumnya... mama sadar perubahan Tasha... mama bilang Tasha lebay. Kalau Tasha terlalu melebih-lebihkan. Mama nggak tau apa yang Tasha lalui... yang Tasha rasain. Mama malah selalu ngejudge apprearance Tasha. Which you can read this link; https://godtv.com/toxic-parents-to-children/
• They don't help you overcome your depression
o Yeah... you don't. Writing do... my fans do. The loves and supports they gave me do. Jangankan depresi... mama terus-terusan bilang kalau Tasha terlalu melebih-lebihkan. Saat Tasha masih takut petir... dan kecoa. Mama malah bilang Tasha childish. YOU never experience a near-death situation with thunder... I HAVE. As the thunder strikes right next to me. You accused me of over-exaggerating my reaction.

Egois? Keras kepala? Susah diatur? Itu semua ucapan mama. Berhenti melihat kondisi Tasha dari sudut pandang seorang ibu... change your point of view into mine. I gave up a lot of my dreams to follow YOU AND YOUR ENDLESS EXPECTATIONS.
Kalau Tasha keras kepala... apa Tasha bakal berhenti main badminton, atas permintaan mama? Padahal mama bisa lihat sendiri... betapa Tasha enjoy? Bagaimana Tasha punya badan yang atletis... tapi Tasha ikutin anjuran mama dan berhenti demi ujian... if I'm stubborn... I wouldn't listen to you... but I did! For YOU. You KNOW how much I wanted to be an athlete that time. YOU KNEW.
Kalau Tasha keras kepala... apa mungkin Tasha berhenti dance... hanya karena papa tidak suka? Padahal banyak dancer muslim... bahkan acara-acara TV bilang kalau dance itu bagus untuk kesehatan. Tapi Tasha berhenti... demi permintaan Papa.
Kalau Tasha keras kepala... apa mungkin Tasha relain spot Tasha... kamar yang mama janjikan akan renovasi agar Tasha punya art studio? Demi bang Andi mengejar karirnya sebagai coach E-Sports? Mama bilang kalau pakainya bergantian... but he occupied that room 24/7. But have you ever heard me complain? No... I supported him... even when it caused MY dream of becoming a small business owner.

Stop seeing things in your point of view, mom. Put yourself in MY shoes. Think how many stresses and pressures I felt because of these. Because of the way you treated me.
How many tears I shed... from the pain you caused? You told me... "No mother would hurt their child...". That's a lie... a biggest lie I've ever heard. Because... here I am... writing this letter with endless tears flowing down my cheeks because of your one sided judgments.
I tried so hard mom... so hard to live up to your endless expectations. Once again... I'm just a human. If you want an obedient child... who's always flawless and follows whatever you say... go on and adopt a robot, but even a robot can malfunction if they are given too much data.

So until you understand... truly understand. Not saying "I'm your mother. I know you better than yourself". Hope you realize what a huge lie that was... because you don't even realize how much suffering I felt. You think you're doing the best thing for me... choosing my path... cutting off all of my passion, taking away my dreams? Is that what you call "the best"? Certainly not. I hope you realize that now, mom.
I didn't even tell you about my writing career in Wattpad because I'm scared... I'm scared that you might make me give up on that too. I can't lost that... writing kept me calm. Without it... I would be long gone. That's why I wait... I wait until I have a steady amount of readers, so you can't make me stop... because if you do... you'll disappoint thousands of people. When I finally told you with great excitement... you only gave me a flat reply... totally different from the reactions you gave to my brothers. So once again... am I really your child?
So please... don't judge me until you know... until you truly understand me. Once again... I listen to music everyday... write stories everyday as a source of comfort. They kept me calm... Without it... I'll start thinking about this... which will end with tears flowing steadily down my cheeks (let me give you a clue... it happens... EVERYDAY). Without writing... without music or any sort of distraction... I'll lose my sanity, mom. That's why I'm scared... but you never see that, have you? No... you're too busy labeling me as a lazy, poor-mannered, unmotivated brat.
But even so... I love you, mom. I love you with every breath that I take. You're the one who gave me life. I just hope that you can be more understanding... and don't accuse me of things, most importantly... don't pressurize me. Because no matter what... no matter how much I tried... I am just a human with many limits and flaws.
I never once fought back each time you raised your voice at me... even earlier... sure I said things back, but I was still holding back. So mostly, I just sit still and say nothing. Even though my heart is clenching painfully inside my chest... my eyes burns with tears that wants to spill... because every words you said were hurtful... but I hold myself back because you're my mother. Other kids would rebel their parents... but I don't wanna be them. I still wanna respect you... even though I'm breaking on the inside. I AM ON BREAKING POINT. I'm still sane up to this moment was nothing but a miracle.
Before you start questioning me... why don't I ever say this out loud? You should know by now... that I'm bad at speaking out my feelings. No matter how hard I tried... they would always get stuck in my throat... that's why I always feel suffocated. If someday... I truly lose myself... don't regret it...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j9mApdBhOI

(Damien Dawn – Silent Scream)

This is the best song to express what I'm feeling right now. Listen and observe carefully...

Love you, mom...

I'm sorry most of the letters are written in Bahasa Indonesia... I was so stressed and couldn't think. My mom starts talking angrily at me all because I refuse to tell her my weight... because I was worried she might make fun of me again. I'm going crazy right now... my tears won't stop flowing.

This is me right now

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This is me right now...

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