Every once in a while... my mind would always drift off to all the pain that I've been through. Each time resulting in tears streaming down my face.
My old followers would know... how I take interior design. How I give up my dream as a dancer. How I stopped playing badminton even though I love it... and it is all because of my parents requests.
But my parents are never satisfied with what I do. They always expect more from me. Especially my mother.
In the past few months... my mom have been trying to get me to work at her office. But I refuse. She told me I have a high ego and that I have no manners.
She even called me lazy and abnormal... because she thinks she can mentor other people to be successful. But she feels like she failed to teach her own daughter to be successful. But she don't see... I CAN'T do something that I have no passion with.
She just said "you can't say you want this... you want that!". It's like... she's forbidding me to have dreams. She thinks it's meaningless. She forgot... she told me that she goes to school in Singapore even though everyone looked down on her... and that is because she wants to show people she's able to achieve something. That's her dream, is it not? That is what she wanted... to show everyone she can. Which is why she's able to fight for it.
She have her dreams.. and I have mine. I wished to be a dancer... now I want to be an author. But she never supported me. If it weren't for my father... I'd never get to publish a book.
I talked to her long before publishing a book about wanting to publish a book... but she said "wait until you get your degree in writing." Did she forget or what? She's the one that told me I need at least 5 published book in order to apply that major. But she didn't let me publish my books. So forget about getting my degree... I won't even able to enter.
She said she knows me well... but she can't even see through that.. and just straightforwardly said that I'm lazy and abnormal... that I have no respect for them... that I have narrow mind and high ego.
She didn't think. If I have high ego... would I take interior design out of HER suggestion... when deep in my heart... I KNOW that it's not what I wanted? I have to endure all the harsh comment from the lecture.
I can fight haters that judged my writing... because I have strong passion in writing. So I WON'T let them stop me. But interior design? I have no interest. Then I have to endure all that harsh comment. Yet... I still try my hardest to hold on... because in my mind.. this is what my mom wants and I want her to be proud. But when I finally reached my breaking point... she said I don't fight hard enough.
Would I stop playing badminton when she knows I have to stop eating one of my fav food (which is ramen) because it's not good for the body as an athlete just because she thinks I have to focus on my final exam?
She knows how happy and excited I am every time I went to practice badminton. She was there and she saw how focus I am when I play. I love ramen... but I gave up on it... because it's the main rule that the coach gave us.
Would I give up my dream to be a dancer... when that is one of my biggest dream... because my dad hates it??
I love to dance because it changes me for the better. Because of dance... my classmate starts to notice me and respect me. I became more open and more out-going because of it. But I gave up on it... because dad thinks dancer's life won't guarantee their future. I sacrifice my happiness in dance from my dad's request.
She might think the certificate I receive from an interview a while ago means nothing. But to me... it worth MORE than every seconds I spent on Interior Design... because that's my first TV interview... and my first step to be a famous and successful author.
If I live my life the way that I wanted to... I wouldn't be where I am now. I would have gone around the world... holding fan meeting to meet you guys. But this is my life... following what my parents wants me to do... despite having my heart break even more each second passed of not being able to do what I've always wanted to do. Which is becoming someone successful and to inspire many people as an author.
I did everything I did... just so they're happy and proud of me. I never once talked back to them when they don't let me do what I wanted. If I'm like other kids... I would have rebelled. But I didn't... I still try my hardest to show respect and do what they want me to do... and stay silent, not fighting back. But my mom sees my silence as me being disrespectful.
But they never did... they always expect more from me... and still call me disrespectful and lazy. If it weren't for me having faith in God. I would have been so lost. I would have given up on my life. I would have given up on EVERYTHING.
I just finished crying when I wrote this. Writing is my healing instrument. I voice out the things I'm never able to voice out in speech through writing.... because I know I can't talk about it to my parents as they'd be defensive and said it's for my own good. So I kept it to myself. But I'm a human... I need a break once in a while... I need to let out my emotion or I'll lose my mind.
As strong as I try to be... I'm just a human. Human have their limit... and I am close. I don't know how much longer would I be able to hold on. Each time I recall this through... my heart breaks even more. I tried not to think about it... but I can't control my mind.
Thanks for reading... I love you guys... thanks for staying with me. Please keep supporting me as your support is my biggest treasure.