My mom was video chatting my 3rd brother. Who's being a coach for E-Sports. His team won 3rd place and he felt disappointed. So I have to listen to her comforting him.
Well... that's not the problem. The problem is. She used to hate seeing him gaming all the time. Now she supported him full time! I even remember when my first brother asked about my third bother's job. She said something like. "That's his passion. So I'll support him" she said. What about me? She NEVER supported me. She always make me turn away from my dreams.
When I wanted to be a Badminton Athlete, she made me stop playing. When I want to be a dancer... she told me to take Interior design (resulting me being in depression and such). When I want to publish a book... she told me to wait until I graduate (when she's the one that informed me a lecturer said that I need to have 5 published book and remember my father is the one that helped me get my book published). When I want to be a mentor, she told me to work at her office. When I want to start a small business selling my creation and such, she said 'what for? Do you think you can live just from those?'. I mean... why can I only make small items? I don't have the space! SHE broke a promise... she said she wants to renovate a room so I can have an art studio. I waited... for 6 whole months! But nothing. Then my brother came saying he needed a room for a studio for his E-Sports... she have it done the NEXT DAY. How does she think I felt about it. I never once complained, because one... that's my brother. Two, I don't want to be claimed as disobedient and not supporting my brother.
Now when I'm jobless, she called me unmotivated, lazy, poor mannered, spoiled and such. When she's the one who keep closing up my opportunities and turned me away MY dreams. But I keep silent and not fight back. Not even once.
So... will she ever be fair?? She judged me so bad! But she never think why I'm the way I am. It hurts so much, you know?
I bet she can't mention ONE thing where I decide MYSELF. She even complaint when I wear jacket. I mean... sure, it's a hot day. But come on, jacket is a part of fashion. There's even a tutorial on YouTube on how to wear denim jacket on summer day. My life is so controlled! I never do anything my way. Trust me... if I do things my way. I'll be somewhere in Korea living my dream as an idol or something.
She said she knows me well. But she can't even see what I aimed for in life. Dancer and authors are two very different things. But these two things... they've got similar outcome.
What are they? Well... they're both famous (BTS and J. K. Rowling), they have a fandom... and they get invited to award shows and such.
I wanna experience what it feels like to walk down the red carpet, wearing an elegant dress when my book is premier as a movie or just attend an award.
That's my biggest dream! Not being stuck working in an office. She said she's not a stage person. But I am! I like being on stage because it made me feel free and confident.. funny coming from an introverted girl. But noooo... she just have to control me and make me do things her way.
My sister in law said someone lost their sanity because his parents forbids him to be a singer. My mom didn't realize she's doing the exact same thing. REPEATEDLY.
I'm still normal right now is a miracle. Honestly, if it weren't for music, writing... all the supports coming from you guys as Light... or any sort of things that help kept me calm. I would be in an asylum right now. Because the stress is UNBEARABLE!
This song fits my condition so well. Right after I listen to it, I instantly felt a connection to it... now I've had it on repeat for like 20+ a day.
Just like in the MV. Her parents controlled her. That is what I experienced. Will I ever have a chance to do things my way? Without my parents getting involved in my decision. Like I'm 24 years old for goodness sake! Yet they still try to control me.
"You life under my roof so you do what I said!" She said.
Most of these fits them. Calling me fat, comparing me to my siblings and more.
Thank you for supporting me. You guys kept me happy. Without you guys... I would be so lost and probably be in asylum right now. I'm sorry that I rant bad things about my parents. But I have to get it out because I don't... I feel like I'm going to explode, if you know what I mean.
Anyway... I hope I'll have a better chance. If I live that long... because these stresses and pressures are getting too much for me to handle. Lucky I never resolve into self-harm... because writing is my healing-instrument. If I don't have writing or you guys supporting me. I don't know where I stand right now.
P. S. I've been faking my smiles in front of my parents and become mentally drained the moment I'm alone. I can't even cry anymore because I feel so numbed.
Anyway... See ya... 🙂