As you all know in my message board. That I've been feeling very down lately... and that is because of my mom.
She kept calling me lazy, no motivation, and such just because I don't wanna work in her office which is a bank. Like... I have my dream. I want to be a successful writer... and possibly someday I can receive award and attend movie premiere when someone is interested in turning my books into a movie.
I wanna have more supporters like you all who will enthusiastically wait for me to come and greet you guys. That's why I ask that question "would you come if I hold a fanmeeting?"
You guys have no idea how excited I am when I talk to you guys... because you all means so much to me. That's the best part in my whole writing career.
A while ago, she said that she knows me well. But it is clear that she doesn't. If she do... then she should know that I can't work on something I have no interest/passion on. There's is also a clear prove! I have no interest/passion on interior design. Then look what that got me... depression!
Plus I already told her that I want to be a mentor for writers, because writers here in my hometown are rare... so I wanna change that. But she doesn't support me. Then now she's the one calling me lazy.
Trust me when I tell you this. My book "I Chose My Own Destiny" won't be publish if it weren't for my dad and his simple question "what do you want for your birthday?"
I once told her "mom... I wanna publish my book...", she said "later... after you graduate Creative Writing Major..." when she's literally the one that told me a lecturer told her that I need to have AT LEAST 5 published book in order to apply to that major. So forget graduating... I'm not even accepted. I once told her that when we argued once... and she DENIED it.
Then when I told her I wanna be a mentor. She also said "later... focus on your books marketing." Then now she's the one calling me lazy? Can you imagine how I felt?
I wanna open a craft shop where I can sell my hand crafts. But she said if I only sells rings and bracelet when will I make profit? Well... it's not about the profit... it's about the joy! I don't care if it takes me forever to have profit... at least it is something I love and enjoy to do. Does she thinks that if I open a shop, I'll only sell bracelets and rings?? Obviously not! I can sell a lot of things, such us room decors. I can sew bags... following all those tutorials I've found on YouTube.
The only thing stopping me from making them is I have no space. Before my brother use that empty room in my house, she promised me... I don't ask her... SHE promised! That she will empty that room, so I can turn it into a craft studio where I can make and store my crafts. Then I waited for it for months!But after my brother said he needs a studio for his E Sports tournament, she instantly broke the promise and let him use it one the next day! Speaking of unfairness. She broke that rank... literally.
My parents... both mom and dad hates it when my brother plays game all the time. But now they support him?? Like... why can't they support me as well when I wanted to be a dancer?? They say a live of a dancer has no future. Well... dancers are performers. Look at BTS and how successful they are! Then they say I shouldn't be jealous of him. I'm not jealous. I'm hurt! DEEPLY hurt!!
She's the one stopping me from achieving my dream. Now she's the one calling me lazy just because I use my tablet all the time. I have a reason for that... and that is so I can stay calm and distract myself from her and her selfishness along with all of her insults. Not only that she even compared me to someone from her office. "Look at her... from a normal staff to a manager. Its funny don't you think? I can teach a complete stranger to be successful... but not my own daughter. I feel like I've failed being a mom" she said.
Like come on... it's not my field of interests. My interests are hand-crafts and writing! Can you imagine how I'll be if I work in a bank? Seriously... I'm getting emotionally tired because of this whole thing. Interior designs is also art... and I love art. But I still failed in that. Because once again... I CAN'T focus on something I don't like.
My sister in law once told her that there's someone she knows loses his sanity because his parents didn't support him to be a singer. Can't she see that she's doing the same thing as his parents? You guys have no idea how much I've been crying these past few days.
Pressures causes stresses... stresses turns into depression... and if it is left not cure... I'll slowly lose my sanity. I'm scared... because if that happens I will forget all of you... and I won't be able to provide a good reading materials for you.
While writing this my mom said "why the long face? Smile a little. Your reader will be scared of you if they meet you in person..." first she insulted me... calling me fat (she compares me to a cashier in a supermarket IN FRONT of her and she laughed at me!)... lazy (I'm not lazy... I'm deeply wounded because of her words)... no motivation (I freakin told her I wanna be a mentor and open a store. She's the one stopping me)... then now she's saying that my fans will be scared? Would you? And do you think I can smile when I'm hurting deep inside?
Also... please note that I'm writing this NOT to spread hate on my mother. Because after all... she is still my mom. I'm just writing this to get it off my chest and help myself stay calm... because writing it out has always been helping me as writing has been my healing instrument for the past 5 years.
Another thing... if someday... I lose trace and didn't respond to any of you for months. It means I've finally gave in into the pressure and maybe have lost my sanity. Because I'm SERIOUSLY so tired now. But physically and mentally. Like... almost everyday I have headaches. So if that happens to me... please don't forget that I love you guys... SO MUCH!