The Cause of My Depression

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So... this video showed up on my YouTube suggestion.

 At first I thought nothing of it

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At first I thought nothing of it.. but when I decide to watch it... I realize most of it were true. So I'm only mentioning the ones I went through. Here it goes..

1. They Hold You Back From Your Dreams.
Those of you who have followed me since the beginning would know how much I want to be a dancer. But my dad said it's not okay because I'm a girl... and that a dancer's life won't have a guarantee future. When literally in EVERY health related TV show said dancing is good for your health and mind.

My mom suggested Interior Designs instead. Not wanting to argue (they won't listen anyway)... I take that advice. I took Interior Design as my major when I go to college. But I struggled through it. I don't have passion in that. It's obvious when my mom is more excited than I am when there's an exhibition that shows off various of interior design models.

Then instead of giving me a solution... my mom said "what would you do if you go home? Lay around and do nothing? You're going to be useless. Just go home then... learn to look after the house and I'll pay you" like she wants to turn me into a house assistant? I don't know if it's a bad thing in your country but it is in mine.. a lot of house assistant got mistreated. So... not wanting to be a house assistant... I forced myself to stay back and continue... but my mental health just dropped even further.

My mom even said "you can't say you want this... you want that..." it's like... she's forbidding me to have a dream. Which is true... seeing how she holds me back from my dream.

2. They Put Too Much Pressure On You
For example... I just got my report for my college for the last semester... and I got 4 A's and 2 B-'s. I tried my best on these subjects and I said "at least I tried my best" to my mom. She said "no... that's not your best. You can still do better." How would she know anyway! She's not the one studying... I AM! And I did tried my best... just the lecturer decided to give me that score. It's not my fault...

3. They're Emotionally Unavailable For You
This one is related to number 1. When I first told my parents that I started writing... they gave me a cold shoulder. Then when I told my mom I want to have my book published she said "wait until you get your creative writing degree" when SHE'S literally the one that told me a lecturer told her that I need at least 5 published book to apply that major. So... she's once again... holding me back from my dream. (I did get my book published... but that's because my dad ask what I want for my b'day).

4. Their Presence Overwhelms You
Do I feel excited or comfortable around them? No. I feel SO pressured. That's why each time I sat around them in the living room I always have my earphones on and listen to music to ease my nerve... as well as to avoid having to speak.

5. They Worsen Your Depression
My mom knows I'm not happy with Interior Design. Instead of giving me a solution... she said "you're like this because you're stubborn... because you only want to take dance." (This is why I wrote that message in the message board). Well... it's not my fault that Dance is my passion and dream.

Is it wrong for me to dream for something? I'm a human... so it only makes sense if I dream of something. Not a lot knows this but... there's one time when my mom said "you're not normal anymore... you should just go to the asylum." MY own MOTHER said that to me?! Let me tell you how I feel when she said that... it feels like like I don't wanna exist anymore.

6. Their Disfunction Rubbed Of On You
When they notice my changes... my mom said I'm being too much. That I exaggerated everything. She don't know what I felt. She even said "you're too fat" and go on comparing me to a cashier in a convenient store RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. She laughed when my mom said that. Speaking about lowering my self-esteem... that really hurts you know.

10. They Don't Help You Overcome Your Depression
Yeah... they don't. Writing do... you guys do. Your love... support... are what keeps me going up until now.

Let alone depression. She even thinks I'm being over-dramatic when I got scared of Thunder or Cockroaches. I fear of thunder because I almost got struck. Like... it strikes RIGHT next to me. I fear of Cockroaches because at least 20 of them crawled on me when I was a kid. But my mom have the audacity to said I'm being dramatic over it.

Most of you would think I should be crying when I write this, right? But I'm not. Either there's too much emotions in my heart or I'm too numb to shed any tear.

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