Only you know my name

Chapter 17

He had been so happy and excited at the prospects that Lan Zhan wanted to hear his suggestion of a new name that it was all the more of a blow when the other asked instead: "What is your name?"

The question caught him completely off guard. He had not expected it in the slightest and that was why it hurt so much. He suddenly remembered his own circumstances and he was saddened by them. He knew that sooner or later, Lan Zhan would leave again and he would be all alone. And just as he was being reminded right now, he had nothing, not even a proper name for himself. He did not want to think about it, not when Lan Zhan was still here and there was nothing to be afraid of, he should enjoy the moment while it lasted.

Snapping himself out of his thoughts was however harder than ever this time around. He could not tell why that was; usually, he was doing a pretty good job of not brooding over things which hurt. But right now, he felt completely overwhelmed. Perhaps it was because Lan Zhan was silent, waiting for a reply to his question. There was no way he could just ignore it.

He started panicking a bit. He was worried that if he would not give Lan Zhan a response soon, he could leave and perhaps never come back. That was what he feared the most, being once again all alone when he had already gotten used to receiving visits from Lan Zhan. He would not be able to bear it.

But it was embarrassing having to admit that he did not even have a name. He did not know who or what he was and without a proper name, who would ever know? As he had said, names served to described reality and he had always been scared by the fact that if he did not have a name, then he actually did not exist. Or, more like he existed only with himself and no one else knew about him and would accept him because they could not call him anything. His insecurities and worries were keeping him silent.

"I am sorry. I should not have asked."

He was rescued by Lan Zhan again. The other apologized all of a sudden as if it was his fault for asking and not the other way around. He was immediately sorry as well, and also embarrassed, he should not have made Lan Zhan uncomfortable. It was not fair from his side to burden the other with his own worries when Lan Zhan had already so much on his plate. So inconsiderate of him.

Now Lan Zhan was feeling even worse than before and it was all his fault. He had to somehow apologize, to change the topic of conversation. He tried to huddle closer to Lan Zhan to make him feel better, just as Lan Zhan had done that one time when he completely enveloped him and it made him feel so great he had wanted to cry.

He did not know if he had managed that but he had done his best. He could tell that Lan Zhan was now not so worried for him anymore. That was good. As an apology, he still decided to reply to the question. It would not do if he was not being honest, Lan Zhan for sure had been when he had confided in him a moment ago.

"I do not have one..."

Admitting this fact still hurt, but somewhat less than he had thought it would. Perhaps it was Lan Zhan's proximity and presence which was making it fine to admit even this shameful fact. It also felt liberating and he was grateful to Lan Zhan for making him say it.

Then, he decided that he should not dwell on this anymore and went back to their previous conversation. He quickly got all excited again, he wanted to know what Lan Zhan would think about the name he had chosen for him.

"Lan Zhan. If you do not like that name, what should I call you?" He knew he should wait for a reply but he was just too excited and could not spare even a second more. "If you do not have any idea, perhaps I could help?"

Lan Zhan must have thought something along those lines as well, he must have been uncomfortable with him being so silent and brooding over things so much. Or perhaps he just wanted to distract him from his sad mood. He grew even more fond of and grateful to Lan Zhan. He played along: "What would it be?"

The fact that Lan Zhan was willing to listen to him made his soul tremble with delight. He had never thought that someone would talk to him much less be open to his suggestions and not cut him off before he could even say them. It was such a strange and wonderful feeling that he was basking in it for a while.

But then he remembered that he had dearly wanted to hear Lan Zhan's opinion on his new name and so he quickly proceeded to reveal it: "I would call you... Lan Wangji."

He should have probably been subtler about it or say it a little more ceremonious, but he was too eager and he did not really want to be disappointed too much if Lan Zhan would not like it. Thought he thought that the name would really fit him and moreover help to alleviate the burden of expectations which he seemed to be carrying.

If he could breathe, he would have been holding his breath while he waited anxiously for the other to say his verdict. If Lan Zhan did not like the name, it would be fine, he could come up with another one. But this one would fit the best, he believed that from the bottom of his heart.

"Thank you, I like it very much."

He could hear a small smile in those words and it was making his heart all warm and comfortable, his very soul was content. If he could, he would have been jumping up and down out of pure and unfiltered joy while grinning at the whole world.

Lan Zhan – no, it was Lan Wangji for him now – liked the name he had chosen. Nothing would make him happier, he was glad that he could help the other in return for doing so much for him. He was sure that keeping him company must not have been too easy but Lan Wangji was even indulging him with conversations and kind words. He felt like he was in heaven at the moment.