Only you know my name

Chapter 3

He was sitting in his tight space and was bored out of his mind. He did not really know where exactly he was nor what he was doing there. They only thing he knew was that he was there, all alone, squished into such a tight space he could not even move a muscle, not that he had any body which he could move anyway. Nothing ever happened around him and he only saw deep darkness. 9

It had been such a long time that he did not remember much anymore. He did not know how he had gotten there or why he was there; or where this 'here' was for that matter. He did not even know who he was. He had only been left with his more or less incoherent thoughts for the longest time. He could not tell what was reality and what was only his imagination trying to create some much desired stimuli.

Sometimes, he even wondered how he looked or who he was, but those were few and far between occurrences. Although he could imagine himself being anything he wanted, the point was that he never knew for sure. His mind was so tired and so disturbed by now that he could not tell reality from dreams. He did not know if he was actually kept in this tight dark place or if he was participating in all those funny and free adventures he imagined. Sometimes, he even wondered if he was even alive anymore.

And even his imagination was getting tired by now so it was replaying the same happenings over and over again so this had gotten boring as well. Lately, he did not even want to try imagine anything anymore and he spend all his time – did time actually even exist here at all? – just letting his mind go and staring into the darkness surrounding him. He wondered if he could just die like this. Or was he dead already?

He did not know anything and he was finding out slowly that he did not care to know anything. He could try as he might, but he would never get out of here. It could be that he had tried at some point in the past but he could not remember that either. He just let himself drift in the darkness and had decided to ignore all the discomfort his tight space – or incorporate existence, he had still not decided which one it actually was – was making him feel.

He could not tell what stirred his drifting mind into a state of alertness one day – or night, or minute, or any other given time – but here he was, straining himself to move what he imagine was his head to look around. Of course it did not work; for one, he could not move at all, and for two, there was only darkness all around so he would not have been able to see anything anyway.

He just felt that something had changed in this unchanging world of his.

He could not tell what it was for the longest time. There were no weather changes here so it was neither getting hotter nor colder. There was no wind here so it did not start caressing his skin. He could not move so it was not the tight space around him getting any bigger, or him getting any smaller. He was all alone here, no other people or even plants or animals were around so it was not...

Wait, there were supposed to be no people nor animals around, yet what he was feeling was definitely presence of someone or something living close to him. It was such a great change that he would have stopped breathing if lungs had actually been working before. He was in a complete shock.

He did not know what he was supposed to be doing at a time like this. He could not remember this happening ever since... never. No one nor anything had even been here in this darkness with him. What had brought upon such a change? Should he be worried? Sad? Excited? Happy? Bored?

No, he was definitely not bored, at the moment, his lazy and hazy mind supplied and he was happy there was finally something he could say he was sure about. It was such a great feeling knowing something that his mind stopped working for who knew how long, just enjoying the feeling.

He could not tell who that someone or something was and he could not see or hear them, smell them or otherwise determine where exactly they were. He only knew that he was not all alone anymore. And right then, it was really all he needed to know. That he was still there, still himself, still his own person, and that he had not disappeared to somewhere where nothing existed. Apparently, even in this dark space, someone or something existed with him.

And it was fine, more than that, it was great. It was the best. He could not get enough of this feeling and he was basking in it as a cat would in sunlight. Was he perhaps a cat? Or had he once been? He mused about this possibility for a while. It would actually be so exciting to be a cat, or anything else, just to be something which had a name, something, which could be identified, not only a presence drifting to and from consciousness and dying of boredom.

He would have liked to call out to the other presence to let it know that he was there. He wanted to let it know that he was there as well and that they were not all alone in this terrifying place. He knew he himself had been terrified of the loneliness and darkness whenever he let himself slip and started thinking about it. He wanted to let it know that he wanted to meet it and ask if it wanted to come closer as well.

He was thinking hard how he could do so. He had no voice nor did he know where that other presence was. He could also not move to wave at it or to stir the stale air around him so it would attract the other towards him. He could do nothing but hope that the presence would find him, literally bumping into him, and he would not be alone anymore.

But then, the thing he had feared deep down happened. The other presence was suddenly gone and he was alone again.

He wanted to cry, he wanted to shout for it to come back, he wanted to beg to not be left all alone anymore. He wanted to break out of his unmoving existence and chase after it even though he could not tell in which direction it had disappeared. But he could do nothing, just like all those times before and he was overflowing with frustration and sadness. He did not want to be left all alone again now that he knew how it could feel having someone or something around.

It almost seemed like he had only imagined the presence being there in the first place. He could not feel it anymore and despite it only being a fleeting moment, he could no longer remember how it had felt exactly either.

Yes, he must have only imagined it. Nothing and no one was in this dark space with him and nothing ever would. That was how his world worked, there were no exceptions aside for the tricks of his imagination. It was as simple as that. He should just forget that he had ever imagined something like that in the first place, it would only hurt him.

And yet, he could not.