Only you know my name

Chapter 16

As soon as Lan Zhan had started thinking about the presence's name, he could not let the matter go anymore. The presence had helped him so much right now. Everything it had said was making so much sense to him and helped to lift a great deal of burden from his shoulders. And it had been there with him all those times before as well, making him feel warm and well at ease deep down. He wanted to know the name of his benefactor.

All the more that after the presence had proposed to him to change his own name, it had become more excited and happier than ever. Lan Zhan loved to feel that, he was happy in turn. It was not a bad idea either to have another name which would not feel so suffocating whenever someone would call him by it.

"A name..." he whispered to himself, thinking hard.

He was musing about the true meaning of names. What the presence had said was making much sense; the physical world itself had no need for names, animals nor plants in the mortal world and the heavenly realm did not need names to grow and live. Humans and gods also did not need names to be who they were. It was just more convenient to name everything in the world so communication would be easier and so that everyone had a more or less common understanding. Names were only a way to describe reality because neither people nor gods had found another way to do so.

Though, it was hardly the same for everyone. Even the simplest of things could be interpreted differently by different people. When one said for example 'tree', they could mean a tree with leaves, perhaps a tree bearing fruit even. But another person could imagine something completely different, such as a pine or a spruce, or even a bush or a random dead tree. While reality needed to be described in one way or another, it would never be perfect. Some things had also several names to describe them and they could change in time as well. All in all, he could change his name and it would not be strange at all.

The presence had apparently the same idea, it would surely not have even proposed it if it had not. And now, it seemed like it was coming up with an idea as well, even before Lan Zhan had any time to try and select a new name for himself on his own. Which was good really, he did not think he would be able to come up with anything decent just like that.

Still, he first wanted to know the name of the presence. He wanted to call it something specific, it needed a name, a nice and well-fitting one. Something which would nicely describe its nature. Of course, Lan Zhan could not really tell what the presence was or how it was usually behaving, he had only met it a couple of times after all. But he was starting to get the idea.

"What is your name?" he asked, curious.

The presence seemed to have stopped and he could barely feel it anymore. He got alarmed at once. Had he done something bad? Was he not supposed to ask? All the excitement and joy had gone away as if it had never existed in the first place and all he could feel from the presence was an endless amount of sadness and pain. It was so strong he wanted to cry.

He did not know what exactly he had done wrong but it was clear that the cause of the presence's mood had been him in some way. But now, he did not know how to fix it. Faintly, he felt the presence curling into itself and getting further away from him, out of his reach. He was afraid that it would disappear completely and perhaps never come back again. He certainly did not want that.

"I am sorry," he quickly apologized, hoping wholeheartedly for forgiveness and for the presence to come back and open up to him again, "I should not have asked."

For an endless moment, nothing changed and he was starting to believe that this mistake of his would cost him dearly. But then, luckily and to his immense relief, the presence came closer once again. It enveloped him as much as it could and he understood that it was trying to sooth him because it could feel his sadness. He nearly started crying this time; the presence was clearly heartbroken and yet, it was caring more about him than about itself.

"I do not have one," it whispered in a barely audible voice. If Lan Zhan had not been waiting for it to say something, he would have surely missed this.

A heartbeat later, the previous happiness and excitement were back as if nothing before had ever happened. Lan Zhan was confused for a second, unable to say anything. When he finally managed to catch himself, he realized that he should not say anything. He did not want the presence to feel bad anymore. This happiness and brightness were much better. So he let the matter go for now.

The presence was once again back and apparently it still wanted to continue with their previous topic: "Lan Zhan, if you do not like that name, what should I call you?"

A short pause when Lan Zhan felt that the presence could not wait to share its idea. He had to keep himself from smiling. The joy he was now feeling emanating from the presence was so great and pure he did not think he would ever feel something like that again. He was excited for the choosing of a new name as well. No matter if only he himself and the presence would know of it for now.

"If you do not have any idea, perhaps I could help?" Now the presence was almost begging and Lan Zhan could not keep himself from smiling anymore. It was so sweet, he wanted to indulge the request.

"What would it be?"

He could not keep the amusement completely out of his voice but the presence seemed to have liked it. It became even more excited which Lan Zhan had not thought possible. It truly was extremely endearing.

"I would call you..." a dramatic pause when Lan Zhan almost swore he could hear a mysterious sound of drums, "Lan Wangji."

The presence did not say anything more, apparently waiting for Lan Zhan's reply to its suggestion. And Lan Zhan did not even have to think too hard to know that it was a good proposition. At once, he did not feel burdened by his fate and duties anymore. It was a wonderful feeling.

"Thank you, I like it very much."

Joy erupted in his mind space, coming from the presence. It was very clearly happy that Lan Zhan liked the new name. That was good. Now, it was time for him to return the favour.