Only you know my name

Chapter 5

He was slowly getting crazy. Or at least he thought so because that one instance of his imagination playing a trick on him and letting him believe there was someone or something else with him in his darkness, reoccurred. And not just once either. It almost seemed like it was getting more and more frequent.

He was starting to think that he was really becoming mad. He knew he was all alone here, for the longest time his mind accepted that, but it seemed like it could not anymore so now he was imagining things. Was he getting so desperate? He did not think so, he had long accepted that this was his existence, this small space where he could not move at all and this all-encompassing darkness. Since he could not really remember anything else, this must have been what his existence had in store for him, nothing more nothing less than a perpetual loneliness and boredom.

He did not mind, he had gotten used to things. Or at least that was something he had made himself believe so he would not suffer too much. Even though, his imagination seemed to be wild and insistent on showing him images of a world under sun and smiling faces or other human beings. He did not even know if he was looking forward to those flashes or not. They were the only bright moments he experienced here but it also hurt to see them and know that he could never have them.

His imagination really could be cruel sometimes. And not only in the aspect of showing him a few happy and free images. Now it apparently decided that it would try to make him believe that there was another presence here with him, far away and faint but a presence nevertheless. He had stopped counting the times he had felt it; he was sure that it was more than ten by now.

Then again, would it really be so bad for him to imagine that someone or something was here with him to help him get through this dark and lonely eternity? Now that he knew how great and fulfilling it could feel to know that he was not all alone in the world, he could not get enough of that feeling. He was getting seriously addicted to it and his imagination responded by obeying to him whenever he would let it and supply the feeling of that presence every so often.

Some times, it seemed like the presence was just a flicker and died out before he could even fully understand that it had been there – or actually not there because it was in his own head but he did not mind the minor details – while other times, he could feel it getting closer and closer to him. Without a fail, he would be all warm and happy inside, his emotions were betraying him as well. He wondered how long he would last like this.

He knew he would not be able to survive; if he was even living in the first place, even now, he could not tell if he was living or simply existing, if he was not only a speck of a conscious mind without a body. It would certainly make sense that way. If he had a body, surely he would be able to move around and also open his eyes and see where he was and the world around him. He refused to accept that the darkness which was his only companion was the whole world. Certainly not, his imagination made him seriously doubt that since it supplied to him another world entirely.

He was so deep in his thoughts that it had startled him greatly when the now kind of known presence made its appearance again. Perhaps it was just his wishful thinking but this time, it felt like it was way stronger than any other time. It was more prominent than ever as well and it almost felt like it was calling out to him. And something deep inside of him wanted to respond.

This was different from any other time, that was for sure. The presence was not disappearing but for some reason, it was still getting closer. Not that he could actually see it but the feeling was there. Just as all those previous times, he wanted to call out to it, to let it know he was there and wanted to get to know it. He was shocked to discover that there was an emotion he had not felt for ever, or at least he could not remember feeling it in the past: it was excitement.

The presence was not disappearing this time and it was making him so happy and grateful he wanted to do something for it in return. It was as if he was basking in warm sunlight with his closed eyes. He could not see the presence still but it was now all around him and it was touching him deep down, in the very core of his being and his own presence. It felt amazing and he did not want it to ever go away.

But of course it would not last, he should have known it and not hope for anything. The next moment, just when he thought that the presence would come even closer, it was suddenly gone. And not only shuffling further away or not encompassing his whole being anymore, it was just gone. So completely and unexpectedly, that had he had a body, it would shiver with the loss.

Even if he knew better, he still started trashing in his small enclosed place, he was trying to move, to look around, to see anything at all. He wanted to chase that presence, to call for it to come back, to have it caressing him once again.

But he could not, of course. It had never worked before and it was still not working now. He could not move and all he could see was darkness. He was once again utterly and terrifyingly alone. His mind was in a complete shock and he was mourning the loss of the other presence. Had the other not known that he was here? Or had it simply decided that he was not worth the trouble of getting close to? Or, even worse, had it not wanted to come to him? There were many questions which were torturing him.

He did not want to feel that desperation and betrayal anymore, he wanted his peace back. His imagination could really be cruel sometimes. Now that he knew how great it could feel to have that warm presence near, he wanted it all the more. He was getting greedy and he knew it but he could not help himself. He longed for it deep down, it was almost as if he and the presence belonged to each other and the separation was very painful.

He made a conscious effort of not thinking about any of this anymore. He had a long experience in ignoring anything that he did not want to think about or which was causing him pain or distress. Since he could not influence anything happening around him and much less his own imagination, he had to take care to at least control this part of himself.

He drew deep inside, into his special place where no pain or loneliness could get to him, and he left everything unpleasant waiting for him outside. It was not as if it was going to disappear any time soon but at least for now, he was safe. Here, only happy and pleasant times existed. Here, he could contemplate anything he needed and he could also secretly remember the warm presence and imagine it still being there and caressing him as sunlight would.

Here, he could be content and he could also secretly hope for the presence to come back. He did not close himself entirely as any other times, he left a very small opening to be able to know if the presence would be returning to him.