Lan Zhan fell back into his usual silence, he had said everything that had been on his mind and was now feeling like the presence was gathering around him in a way he had never expected it could be like. His family was not one which would be too keen on physical contact. So this was actually the first time he was feeling like this. The presence was soothing his ragged nerves and his distress was disappearing as if by magic.
He found out that he could not have enough and he wanted the presence to never leave. He could not imagine going back to the Heavenly Court again and having to face the other gods' expectations right now. He was still too raw after opening himself up like this. He needed some time to gather himself and to put on his usual expressionless mask which his uncle installed in him.
He often used it as a defence mechanism to not let his worries and insecurities show and also to discourage the less determined gods from bothering him. All in all, it was very useful, though sometimes hard to maintain. It also was the cause of some rumours he had overheard behind his back and which were painting him as an emotionless jade. Someone, who was expected to do his job well because he would not be influenced by emotions.
No one was ever supposed to know that nothing could be farther from the truth and that Lan Zhan was actually very insecure deep down. If they knew, there were gods who would certainly take advantage of it and commit inexcusable acts behind his back. He needed to become an authority; however, he did not know how. He really was lacking experience.
He leaned closer to the presence, thirsty for some more warmth. He did not want to be alone right now. The presence was the only person except for his brother to whom he could tell everything and show his true character. He should have perhaps been vigilant or suspicious, but he just could not. He trusted the presence as no one before that, perhaps even more than Lan Xichen. It really felt like the presence was another part of him, a second half of his soul.
Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, the presence started talking. Its voice – still sounding only inside Lan Zhan's head – was no longer a faraway whisper. It was now far more, way more profound and it felt like it was carrying with it the experience of several lifetimes. It was still a child's voice, but the words were of a god who had lived for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years. They were wise and exactly what Lan Zhan needed to hear to chase his worries away and not to feel suffocated by everyone's expectations and his uncle's teachings of being perfect and never making any mistakes.
"Lan Zhan, I cannot tell you what to do. No one can; you need to walk your own path in life and just try your best. You are your own person and you have the right to be different from what other people expect you to be. You are you and that would and should never change no matter what. Your duties are also only yours to carry and no one can tell you how to do that well. You need to find that out yourself, walk a path you decide and always have a clear conscience and pure heart.
You have said you are afraid of making mistakes and not having enough knowledge to perform your duties well. But that is not a problem; we are learning throughout our whole lives and you will never be fully ready or not ready for this. Life is a process, an ever-changing flow of things, and you can only proceed forward, you cannot stay in one place, world is moving and changing constantly. From this fact only, it is impossible to ever know everything. We always need to seek knowledge and do our best with what we know and learn.
You have asked how you can understand others' hearts when you do not even know what is inside of your own. It is true that you can never understand anything fully, everything is changing at all points in time and by the moment you think you have gained understanding, it is already slipping through your fingers; something new is happening every instant and something old is always ending.
People and gods are constantly changing as well, even faster than the universe around us. Their hearts are so fragile and easily influenced by so many things and emotions. Understanding one's own heart is perhaps the most difficult thing that one can try to do. Even if you spend your whole life in meditation, you will never be able to get to the bottom of it. Fully understanding others, or at least to the extend one understands themselves, is impossible. You can only do your best in listening to them.
You have asked how can you tell if someone is lying to you or if they are telling the truth. Lies and truth are relative, they depend on the one who tells and believes in them. What is true for one does not have to be true for another, it all depends on the perspective. No universal truth exists, it depends on how people perceive the reality and interpret it. All you can do is listen to them and then see for yourself. You have to keep your mind open and not side with either party until you get the full picture. Do not make hasty decisions and take your time to find all the available facts, decide only then.
If you are still unsure of giving out judgement which could influence someone's life, try to think of another way. Judgment does not have to come in a definitive way, you can propose correction or let the parties agree on a suitable course of actions themselves. You do not have to force anything, nor should you in all cases. Sometimes it actually helps to just let everyone talk between them and you all may discover that everything had just been a misunderstanding and that each party had a valid reason for their actions, it was only not understood by the other party, the solution will reveal itself on its own.
Lan Zhan, you do not have to be perfect. No one is. Life is long and we never know what tomorrow will throw at us. If you are constantly worried about the future, you will never reach it. You will always live in the past, reminiscing about your mistakes and regretting your decisions. You need to hold your head high and live as well as you can, with no regrets and according to your conscience.
Uphold high standards in your heart and never ease up on them. Once you do so, your will is going to weaken and you will not be able to lift yourself up again. If your conscience is clear, that means you have done your best and you will always be able to justify your action, perhaps not to others, but surely to yourself. And that is the most important thing in this world. If you cannot live with yourself, then your existence will always be miserable and you will never be able to find true happiness.
You said your name is a weight on your shoulders. A name does not define us; it does not say what we are. It is merely a description of some part of the reality and it would never be able to describe who we really are deep down. If it is in truth your name which is making you uneasy, then you should change it. If it would change the way people look at you, then they had never known you. Those who truly understand you and know you will conserve their image of you intact even with another one."
The voice stopped talking and silence fell onto the space in Lan Zhan's head where the presence had been talking before. It did not leave, it was still there, still shining brightly. And Lan Zhan suddenly thought that the presence was right; if he could not live with himself, then there was no point of living. Someone with a soul so bright as the presence was surely living according to those words.
Should he actually change his name? Could it all be that easy? If he changed it, he would certainly be able to tell who was looking at him as at Lan Zhan, the person he was, with all his worries and faults. Those who would not be able to accept the change and would question him, those only saw him as the god or righteousness and justice and expected only a flawless performance form him. He would finally be able to see who was his friend and who was only getting close to him to gain a future favour.
A new name, huh? But what should that be? What was the presence's name? L an Zhan was curious now.
YOU ARE READING
Only you know my name
Fanfiction"Wei Ying. This name shall now be forgotten by everyone, both in the mortal realm and the heavenly realm. You shall remain imprisoned until someone calls you. Use this time wisely and reform yourself. Now, let the verdict be done." This fic will con...
