Only you know my name

Chapter 13

He could tell that Lan Zhan was distressed. The second he had felt Lan Zhan getting worried and his mood darkening, he had known he had to do something. He wanted to help the other regain his brightness he had come to know throughout the many visits. He was missing it; and he did not want him to be in any kind of distress.

But how could he help? He was just an existence without a body, glued to one point in his darkness, he could do nothing. He could not go and hug Lan Zhan to show him that he was not alone even though he knew how terrible that could feel. He could not come closer and smile at him and tell him that everything would surely be alright in the end and that sun always came out after a stormy weather no matter how long it had been hidden. He could do nothing to help and it saddened him greatly.

Or, wait. Could he do nothing at all? Perhaps there was something. He could listen to Lan Zhan and talk to him if the other was willing. It would show him that he was not alone and perhaps he would be able to alleviate his worries in this way. If he could say even one word which would help Lan Zhan, everything would be worth it. Perhaps this was the very reason he and Lan Zhan were able to meet in this desolate place.

"Lan Zhan, why are you worried?" he asked while trying to not sound nosy or commanding. If Lan Zhan wanted to talk to him and it would help him, he was there. If he did not, then he did not have to share anything. He wanted the other to understand this.

There was silence after his question. A long and awkward one and also one which made him nervous in turn. He could not tell if Lan Zhan was alright with him worrying about him or if he would have preferred to be left alone. If he could not still feel Lan Zhan's presence, he would have assumed the other had left. Perhaps Lan Zhan had a safe place he wanted to retire to in order to be able to think everything through, just like him. Was he bothering him?

He did not want Lan Zhan to think badly of him, he was actually ready to apologize for his transgression and assure him that he did not have to say anything. He only wanted to help, not make things more difficult for the other.

He did not regret asking though. He knew that he had longed for someone to talk to for the longest time. And now that it came to be, he felt like the sole knowledge that he was not all alone in this place was enough for him to immediately erase all his worries and fears. Talking to Lan Zhan was making wonders for him. He wanted to thank him somehow and he could only do so by listening to his worries and trying to help. He was genuinely sorry for the other that he was feeling stressed and worried.

Before he could finally decide to either apologize or let things go and ask another question to distract Lan Zhan from his worries, he felt a wave of warmth from the other. It seemed like Lan Zhan did not hate him nosing around but instead was happy that he had been worried about him. He could not be sure of it of course, but he had a strong gut feeling, deep inside himself, where the core of his being existed, that Lan Zhan wanted to talk about his worries, that he wanted to let everything out before it would slowly destroy him from the inside.

And so, very tentatively and gently, yet urgently at the same time, he asked again: "Lan Zhan, why are you worried?"

He was trying his best to come even closer to him, both in spirit and physically. He knew what he was doing was foolish, he did not have a body which he could offer to cuddle against. He did not have any hands which could caress, hug and provide safety. He had no possibility of actually soothing Lan Zhan in any of these ways. And yet, he was trying his best, hoping that Lan Zhan would still be able to at least feel it. That was all he could offer in his current state.

There was another long silence. But this time, it was not cold and awkward. This time around, it felt like it was filled with a silent thank you and anticipation. The pressure that Lan Zhan had had on his chest finally grew too much and erupted in a true waterfall of words. He listened to him without interrupting, he knew the other had to get everything out or he would not feel better.

"I am supposed to assume the duties of god of righteousness and justice. But I am afraid of not doing my job well. There is still so much I do not know and so much I do not understand. I do not even truly understand my own heart, how could I pretend to know what others are thinking and doing? How can I tell if they are lying to me or telling me the truth? How can I judge them when I do not know anything about them? I am afraid of making mistakes and ruining someone's life. My name feels too heavy on my shoulders and I am not sure I am worth of it."

This was how he had at last learned what kind of burden Lan Zhan carried and he immediately decided that it was way too heavy for a child to have on his shoulders. He knew that very second that he needed to help sooth him and to somehow provide support and reassurance. While he had been talking, Lan Zhan sounded so small, so young and vulnerable. He must have been nurturing those fears without having anyone to listen to him.

That would not do, at least not anymore. Now he was here and Lan Zhan was not alone. If words were everything he could offer, he would do so gladly. Only, what could he say to make Lan Zhan feel better?

His worries were understandable for someone in his standing, such a heavy burden really. He could not lie to sooth though, that would not be fair, he just had to come up with the perfect words which would be reassuring and helpful at the same time. He could do it, he would do it, for Lan Zhan.