Face To Face With The Devil

Chapter 40

I needed someone to talk to, I needed my mama.

I walked the quick five minute walk to the cemetery, I may be the worst person right now but she will know what to do, it's just that she's not here. The sky felt heavy as it dawned upon me reminding me of the awful person I have become.

Something wet fell onto my hand and I realized I was crying, I couldn't even wait, I just need my mom right now and talk to someone.

I almost ran over to where she lay, I sat down letting the grass remind me of where I am, my eyes were filled with tears but I wasn't able to let them go, I couldn't cry. 

Not being able to cry hurt more than anything, I didn't feel numb I was too far hating myself right now, the punishment was being too sad to cry.

"Mamma I did it, I found someone who loves me, makes me even love myself." I wrapped my arms around my legs embracing myself in a cage protecting me from only myself, "the only problem is that I messed up, fucking badly. I know I love him, I've known for a long time but when he said it to me I couldn't say it back, if I say it back it's this whole other commitment that when I leave I'll have to break off, I don't want to love someone who I will have to say goodbye to."

I could hear the thunder in the background making me smile knowing the sky was feeling just as shitty as I was.

"If I say it back its the truth but when the time comes and I have to leave I don't know if I can deal with leaving him, I love him too much to hurt him like that, I'm too in deep with him, he's consumed me in every amazing way, the way I feel when I'm with him is this feeling of freedom and it's like I'm falling but he's always there to catch me."

I let my thoughts float out of me knowing I had to say what was on my mind let her know everything that I have been keeping inside of me for the past few months.

"we fall together. I don't want to lose what we have, if you were here you would probably say something like 'I think you already have your answer' and I think I do. Mamma, I wish you were here to tell me what to do, all I want is my mama to guide me, why can't you be here. I miss you more than I miss myself." 

I lost myself the moment I snuck out of the house for the first time and ruined my life, Losing myself will never be as painful as it will be to lose Sebastian, I love him more than I love myself, he has to know that. 

"Bye mom, I have to do something totally selfish to do, I just hope it's not too late."

My mind went into overdrive trying to debate if I should call or just show up, what if he's not home or he's home but won't want to see me, that's probably the answer. 

Taking out my phone, swallowing my pride I dialled his number as I slowly shuffled my feet to my car, Ring after ring I got voicemail. Okay here goes nothing.

"Hey Seb it's Faith, I'm probably the last person you want to hear from and I get it, I wouldn't want to hear myself either, anyway I was just calling because I messed up and told you something which was fully a lie but my dumbass said it anyway, so here's the truth."

The sky clouded over and I felt the wind pick up sending shivers down my body as I let the boy I loved know the truth.

"I hate you,

I hate that you make me feel things,

I hate the way you make me smile,

I hate the way when I'm with you the world feels right,

but most of all I hate the way I love you."

My voice was shaking and unsure but I never felt more right about something than I did telling Seb my true feelings towards him.