Face To Face With The Devil

Chapter 3

TW: talk of eating disorder and body image

I was skinny but I wanted to be skinnier, thinking back to before I was in the gang there was a really bad time in my life and I ate almost nothing every day except for Diet Coke and some almonds, I starved myself because it was the only thing in my life at that moment I could control.

After months I was starting to like the way I looked and eventually I got to my goal weight but I couldn't stop starving myself.

It was terrifying to eat, just the thought of food made me feel sick to my stomach, at one point it got really bad one time and I passed out multiple times at school and they had to call my parents,.

They caught on to what I was doing and we had to go to the doctors who recommend me to an eating disorder recovery hospital, for three months was in the hospital, it was fucking hell.

I hated every second I was there, after two months I was slowly able to eat without hating myself for it, I was slowly starting to love my body again and when I got out I was able to eat full meals and for me, that was a huge breakthrough.

No one saw the lies under all the meals that I ate, no one saw me screaming as they watched me bring the fork up to my mouth.

This was two years ago I'm not saying that I'm all magically cured but I can allow myself to eat without feeling guilty, food doesn't haunt me as it did before, I still skip meals and make myself suffer but that's because some messed up part of my brain thinks that I deserve it.

I know I do.

I never really badly relapsed just some days I wouldn't eat but then the next day I would because I kept telling myself that I would never let myself go to that level of self hate again, so here I am two years later I'm still not comfortable in my own body but I also don't hate myself to the point where I'm not eating, at least that's what I want to believe.

I've dealt with so many internal demons over the past few years in regards to my weight and I feel like I've accomplished something great with every meal I eat, every day for me is a step towards loving myself even more.

I may not ever be fully comfortable enough in my own body but for now I can look in the mirror and smile and for what it's worth that means a lot to me.

I tore my gaze away from the mirror and got ready for school, pulling myself out of my thoughts.

Sweatpants and a shirt were defiantly the move, I threw my hair into a claw clip and grabbed my car keys heading downstairs.

"Hey dad," "morning." He spoke not looking up from his newspaper, ok then end of that conversation.

Leaving me to my thoughts I walked into the front hall to fish out my shoes from the pile that is starting to grow, running back into the kitchen to grab my food and head out or else I would be late not that I cared but it was only my second week at school.

"Fuck." I seethed accidentally hitting my foot on the edge of the wall "language Faith!"

Rolling my eyes I walked out the door and got into my car, flipping through the radio I got a call from Violet "hey what's up?"

"Faith where the fuck are you?'' "I know sorry I woke up late." It was better than saying that I spent thirty minutes looking at my body in the mirror feeling like I would burst into tears.

"Well can you drive faster I need to meet you and Becca before we go in," "ok sure sounds good I'll see you there. " I applied more pressure on the gas and beelined it to school I used to street race so going fast is nothing scary to me.