DEAR L

Buzzing Bus

LISA

I immediately went to the shower. Crying on my knees. Scrubbed my whole body for I am so ashamed of myself. What did I enter? I agreed to get paid in exchange for sex. Worst, I fell in love when I am not supposed to. I fell in love with the unreachable.

That line that she paid me for sex keeps haunting my mind. I feel so low. I got rejected again. But I can't blame Jennie. I have nothing she'll be proud of. Why did I aim so high to be part of her life when in the first place, I know that it's impossible for her to love someone like me. I'm just a speck of dust in the entire universe.

You were once a casual fucker with women, Lisa. What happened to you when you were around Jennie's world?

Morning came. I went to work even if it's my day off. I recorded three radio episodes for the whole week as I am planning to go home to my Mom and be with her for six days. Good thing our department head approved my leave request. She also promised me that when I get back, my salary will be raised double. Thank god!

I got a lot of messages and calls from Jennie but I did not respond, did not even read one. We're done with our deal and I have to move on. 

I am still being haunted by the fact that I expressed to her and nothing good happened. How I wish I was able to control myself and did not tell her what I feel. How I wish I did not see that she was kissed by another man. I just closed my eyes here inside the bus as I think of the moment how stupid I looked while watching them kissing in front of me while my heart is breaking because I love her. I really do love her.

After ten hours of being on the road, I reached our humble home and my Mom welcomed me right away with a tight hug.

Our place is like a farm and far from town and it will take thirty minutes for you to reach it using a motorcycle scooter. I have it here given by my Uncle. My cousin uses it whenever my mom is scheduled for a check up in town and if she has to buy medicines.

"There's something in you. I can see it in your eyes." She whispered to me while rubbing my back. My tears fell.

"Mom, I am sorry I will not be able to introduce her to you anymore. I- I am not the one for her." I sobbed like a child. God. Why am I like this?  I also feel sad that Mom won't have a chance to meet Jennie anymore. I always tell her about Jennie when we call each other.

"Looks like love has hit you hard. It's okay to cry. Just cry. I'll cook you your favorite food." She smiled at me and gave me the comfort I need. I know Mom is already weak because of cancer, but she is trying so hard to be still and live a normal life.

I am looking around our old house and a lot of memories of my childhood came back. Sad and happy memories that are still so clear in my memory. Old memories that reflects how old our house is. Our roof has holes already. I told Mom that I will have our roof changed tomorrow. She is so happy. I promised her that one day, I will get her out of here and give her a nice home with me. She's too emotional but she told me that whatever happens, she will always be so proud of me.

I also thought of memories with my brother when were young. I am happy that my brother is having a good life because my Dad supports him. He is now in Daejeon to study college. We always message each other and sometimes he helps me with Mom's medicines if he has saved up from his allowance from our father.

Night came and I couldn't stop thinking about Jennie. Everything flashed in my mind. From the first time we met in the club. When she accidentally poured her orange juice on my shirt. Our first kiss. The first time we made love. Those smiles that she showed me. The care I felt from her. And how lovely she is in every way whenever we talk about life at the balcony of her place.