Our indelible pasts|✔

sixty eight - bryson

THEY SAY THERE'S nothing like your first love. Whoever they are, they weren't kidding when they said it. Being with Sandra felt like a dream every single second. I never knew it was possible to feel so loved by someone until she loved me. Being with her made it feel like all the shit I went through during my childhood was worth it because it meant I would get to meet her, have her be a part of my world...be my world.

I remember the night we met like it was just yesterday. Noah, Bryson and I were suitemates during freshmen year and we hit it off immediately. We had decided to go watch the school's first football game of the season and that night fate was on my side because I ended up scoring a seat right next to the most beautiful girl, I had ever laid my eyes on, Sandra Brown.

I couldn't resist talking to her, knowing I'd regret it if I didn't. Unfortunately for me, she didn't seem too fond of me that day and I didn't end up getting her number. I was gutted of course, but fate worked its magic again when we bumped into each other at some coffee shop about a week later. The moment I saw her there, I made it my mission to get her number. And I did. Needless to say, I was shocked. She seemed way too out of my league. And I had just ruined her shirt.

After surprising scoring her number that day, we went on a couple of dates. They were nice, but I felt like I was going to stay stuck in the friendzone for an eternity. My luck however turned around on the fifth date when she gave me a small kiss on the lips. The moment she was out of view, I punched the air like a little kid and couldn't stop beaming for the love of God. Mason and Noah thought we had sex because I was apparently 'glowing' and when I told them what actually happened, they wouldn't let me hear the end of it.

After a month of a couple of dates and little pecks on the lips, I miraculously mustered the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend, even though we had barely gotten past first base. But that night, God must have touched me because she said yes. I wouldn't have said yes to me. How someone like her could say yes to me, I will never understand.

And every day after that was fucking magical. It had been so long since I was truly happy and she brought that feeling back like it was the easiest thing for her to do. I was in love with every single thing about her.

Unfortunately for me though, they also say that there's nothing like your first heart break. Whoever said that, fuck them for being right. Of course, there were times where I felt that Sandra and I weren't going to be endgame with my track record of basically everything in life being as poor as ever, so I half expected it. But I always thought that things would end because of me. I was a hundred percent sure that I was the one who would fuck things up and she'd eventually up and leave. Never did it ever cross my mind that she would cheat on me. But maybe that's on me. I could never be enough.

To me, Sandra has a huge heart. She simply just doesn't have it in her to hurt someone intentionally, or to hurt someone the way she hurt me. In the past year I've known her, no signs have pointed to disloyalty and lies. At least not of this extent. It's to the point that a part of me feels like this is all just a bad dream and I'm about to wake up in Sandra's arms.

Miserable, I know.

Maybe if I knew that things between us would have ended the way they did, I would have stopped it before anything even started. I would have not talked to her at that football game, not gone to that coffee shop I bumped into her at and we wouldn't have gone on any dates and I wouldn't have scored a single peck on my lips. I would have avoided it all, just to avoid this kind of pain.

All those times I would wonder if I was good enough for her, it feels like by doing whatever the hell she did with Dylan, she was answering me. I was and would have never been enough for her. I was crazy to ever think I would be. I knew it from the start that she was way out of my league. I should have just listened to my intuition and avoided the drama.

Knowing it's not worth it, I erase the text I was about to send her and watch as my finger lingers over the delete button of her number. Unable to do it, I lock my phone and shut my eyes.

I need to sleep. When I'm asleep, that's the only time I seem to not think about her. My usual remedies, getting wasted, getting high, it's like all they do now is intensify my feelings. Once I start dreaming about her, it's over for me. There'll be no escape for me.

Yeah, fuck love.