Our indelible pasts|✔

twenty - bryson

TAKING A SEAT next to Kiana, I take a sip from my cup. "I can't believe I didn't win the cocktail challenge."

"I can't believe it was a tie." The slur I expected to hear in her voice is non-existent which is shocking because she's been drinking with all of us.

"You're not drunk?"

She smiles, and I notice the faint dimples on her cheeks. "One, Never Have I Ever took you all out, not me, and two, I have a high tolerance unlike you drunkards."

"I'm not drunk." I lie, the slowness in my voice selling me out.

Laughing, she looks over at Noah and Nia who are passed out on the floor. "You're one cup away from joining them."

"Maybe." I chuckle, taking another sip.

"How's Sandra doing?"

I completely forgot. We were supposed to have a call tonight.

Oh shit.

I grab my phone and see that I got a text from her.

Sandra: My parents decided to take me out for dinner to try and get my mind off things. Tomorrow?

Sighing, I put my phone back on the couch.

"Trouble in paradise?" I'm asked for what feels like the hundredth time this week.

"We were supposed to have a call tonight but she says her parents have other plans." I explain to Kiana.

"One of my majors is psychology, talk to me." She folds her legs and faces me. I laugh and she defends herself. "Come on, let me get the chance to find out if I actually learn something in those classes or if I'm wasting my time."

"You said one of your majors...you do a double major?"

"Yeah. Psychology and criminal justice. Oh, and a minor in criminology."

I smile at her in awe and shock. "Why would you do that to yourself? A double major and a minor? Are you crazy or something?"

"They're my ticket to law school." She shrugs like it's nothing.

I'm about to take another swig of my drink when something she says doesn't quite click in my head. "Wait, criminal justice and criminology are two different courses?"

Pulling her short legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees, Kiana nods. "Criminal justice is more about learning about how law enforcement works, and in criminology we basically dig into the minds of criminals. Learn about sociological and psychological behaviours of criminals to understand why they do bad things."

"That sounds like a lot." I voice my thoughts.

"It is." She exhales softly, seemingly losing herself in her head for a few moments before bringing herself back to reality. "Now, if you don't mind, allow me to practice my psychology skills."

I smile, and allow my drunk self to indulge her. "Okay. I'm sure Nia told you about Dylan's mom." When she nods, I continue. "In the whole year that we've been dating, she's never been this distant. I get that she's grieving, I completely understand that. It's just...she's never been the one who's distant while hurting. If she's hurting, she communicates. She's never chosen to be distant. It's usually me, that's...my annoying toxic trait. So now the tables have been turned and I just don't know what to do. But then it's different because she's dealing with a huge loss so I don't even blame her for being distant. I just...I just wish I knew what to do."

"I hear you." Kiana says. "Now, I'm no expert. I'm just a sophomore who could honestly use a therapist herself, so don't expect a TED talk."

"Yeah no kidding on the therapist part, the whole double major and minor thing is borderline insane." I laugh.

"Shut up." She purses her lips. "Anyways...what was I going to say?"

"You were about to give me a TED talk."

Kiana rolls her eyes, a smile playing on her lips. "Prepare for the worst TED talk you will ever hear." She smiles innocently at me before putting on a serious face as she gets on with it. "Well, it's never easy to see someone you love in pain especially when you don't know how to help them. I remember when I lost my sister, I kept myself away from everyone, even Noah and Nia. And that's like, completely normal. I just needed my own time and space to come to terms with what had happened. I needed to grieve by myself before I could allow myself to be around other people. I was having a really, really hard time and honestly speaking for me, I needed that space from everyone. Even from the people I love more than I could ever love myself. And that's probably what she needs right now–space. The least you can do is respect that, as hard as it is. When she's ready to be out in the world again, you'll be there for her. You can't do much until she lets you. Moral of the story is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."

As Kiana's does her best Dr Phil impersonation, her words start to resonate with me, as my mind takes me back to when I lost Hazel. I remember not wanting to be around anyone or even talk to anyone for that matter. So I don't blame her for being this way. When she's ready to talk, I'll be there. I mean, I have been trying to give her space and it's one of the hardest things I've had to do, and it's just killing me that I'm struggling to give her the only thing that she's asking from me right now.

I allow myself to ponder on Kiana's words before facing her again. "If law fails, you could always try being a therapist."

"I'd be horrible at that." She laughs. "It's the alcohol helping me."

"Then I guess I should be saying thank you to the alcohol, not you." I clink my drink with hers before downing the rest of mine.

She's about to respond when suddenly, Mason falls from the couch and onto Ashley on the floor, rudely waking the both of them up. Kiana and I burst into a fit of laughter as Ashley sleepily slaps his face and mumbles an incoherent abuse.

"Help me wake them up. There are beds they can sleep in in the guest rooms." Kiana says getting up, still laughing.

I follow suit, slapping Noah awake.