"Being away from my baby, the woman I love, my family. That has changed me.. not being able to kiss my daughter goodnight has changed me. Not being there to speak to my son, and step up like the man I should have been the first two times. I wanna hold your hand and be there while you go through this again. I know you're unsure but just know Khai will always be mine no matter what that test says. I wish everyone could see that I do want to fix what I've done. I wanna love you, I wanna give you the love you've deserved since day one. I know I've said this before but it wasn't until now that I see.."
"What do you see King?"
"That I am nothing without my Queen, I fucking love you Hazel"
I stayed quiet because I don't know what to say back, does he mean it? Before I could gather my thoughts and respond he began talking again. This time he seemed a bit apprehensive, what could be so hard to say?
"I understand if you've given up, I messed up too many times. I toyed with your heart too many times"
He paused for a few seconds before continuing on, It seemed hard for him to say that to me. Almost like he didn't wanna accept that there is a possibility I could find someone else..
"But if you give me one last chance I promise you won't regret it.."
I put my hands to mouth and closed my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. "King I-" The phone disconnected letting me know that our phone conversations was over..
:
Zina ripped the covers off of me and tried to get me out of the bed..
"Get your ass up, you're not going to hide under the covers all day. You called me crying in the middle of the night. I got out of my bed and drove three hours to make sure you were good. That shows care, get up and talk to me"
She climbed in bed with me and pulled me into close and wrapped her arms around me. Her motherly instincts were kicking in, she just hugged me which is something no one has ever really done. I hugged her back because sometimes a hug is all you need..
"I don't wanna hurt them"
"Sometimes it's not about them, what about you? Who's thinking about Hazel? Who's going to keep you from getting hurt?"
"No one"
"I understand it's hard being torn between two men but baby you have to find you. You have to discover your worth and realize what you deserve. You're clueless, you cannot love someone without knowing how to fully love yourself. Yeah Andre is gentle, he's sweet, he treats you good. But does he want what you want? Is he capable of understanding that you need extra care? Yeah King is changing, he's realizing what he had. You guys have history, a connection that you don't share with anyone else. But will the name calling truly stop? Will you become a bitch and a hoe when you do something he doesn't like? Will be truly accept Khai if he isn't his? You need a man that can handle you and all that comes with you"
Everything she's saying is true, I don't know if either one of them could truly be the man for me. They're just going to have to respect the fact that I need to find myself. I need to understand that it's okay to think about me first. I'm not desperate for a relationship but at the same time, I don't like being alone. Having someone to communicate with, someone that won't turn on me is all I want.
"I think the first step would be seeing if the relationship with my parents is fixable. I wanna know if my dad ever loved me, if my mom ever really cared. I feel like I look for the lost love from my dad in men and the lack of care from my mom in friends. I just want that from someone, anyone and that's sad. I should talk about my issues but I can't because I don't feel it would help me"
"It will, I wasn't close to my dad either. I got pregnant with my son at fourteen, had him a few months after turning fifteen. I'm not proud of that because instead of chasing Zo I should have been chasing my education. I thought I was grown after losing my virginity, no one could tell me anything. My dad was furious, disappointed, we fell out when he found out"
This is the first time someone has opened up to me about their past. I feel like I can learn from Zina because we dated men that are friends. I never knew her because I wasn't involved in what King and Kane did. I wanted no part in what they did when they'd leave the house randomly.
"My mom didn't make it easy, I wanted to be grown and have sex. So I had to be grown and take care of the baby I created. She gave me no sympathy, when I went into labor she told me to suck it up. I remember her words, I was crying because it hurt. She told me to stop crying because I didn't cry when I made him. I realized then that I should've continued to be a child because I wasn't ready. I didn't learn though, I was still dumb for Zo"
"You still had your mom though, even though she didn't make it easy she was there. My mom didn't even show up when I had Ava, she said she would but she didn't. I wish I could go back and redo a lot of things. When you say you were still dumb for him.. what happened that made you feel that way?"
"Three months after having Tj... I got pregnant again. I got an abortion, I wasn't ready for another child. It was a decision me and Zo made together. He wasn't ready and the money he made on the corner was barely enough to provide for Tj. I never told my parents about the abortion. I was ashamed that I had gotten pregnant again at fifteen, it was bad enough my dad stopped speaking to me. He didn't even show up to my sons birth, whenever I'd see him he'd look at me with a mixture of hurt and disgust"
I could relate so much to what she's saying. I don't feel alone hearing her story, there's hope because she's in a much better place now. For so many years I felt really bad for having an abortion, I still do. But it just seems so much easier to deal with knowing I'm not the only one..
"My dad encouraged my abortion, and so did King. I had no support, my father threatened to take everything from me if I kept the baby. I thought about it, I tried to find ways to get a job quickly. But it was going to be almost impossible to find a job, pay for a place to stay. Pay bills and save up for a child at the same time, I wish I would have had more faith at that time. I could have made it work, but instead I just chose to end my pregnancy out of fear I'd lose my child to the system. I still haven't spoken to my dad, I don't think I ever will"
Zina pulled me into another hug, this time one filled with much more emotion. I cried and she cried, we have so much in common, it's like we understands each other. Who knew there was someone out there with a story somewhat similar to mine.
"Don't think like that, talk to him. I never even got the chance to speak to my dad. He died after I had Miley, my own mom didn't even tell me.. I found out months after the service. All because I was too stubborn to say the first word, I love my dad even if he no longer loved me. After a while I had to stop wondering what if, I had to move on. It wasn't easy but I did, I let my guard down and I learned to love myself. And from there I met someone amazing.."
Once we stopped hugging each other she grabbed onto my shoulders and looked me in the eye. I was unsure of the look she was giving me but it made me curious. Before I knew it her lips were on mine, and her hands were exploring my body. She slipped her tongue in my mouth as her fingers found their way in my panties..
58. Bi-curious?
Start from the beginning
