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Why?-Bucky

I left about seven medium cuts on the inside of both my thighs. I watched as they just bleed there. Since I hadn't cut in a while they were bleeding a lot. I watched until I felt my eyes start getting heavier and heavier. Before I knew it I had passed out.

Bucky's POV: 

"See you guys later?" I waved and got off the quinjet. "Where you going?" Tony asked. "To surprise and be with my wonderful and beautiful girlfriend. So, goodbye. No offence, but i want to be with her right now." I said and jogged off. 

I've been on a mission for almost two weeks. Me and Y/n have been face timing every night before she goes to bed. But that's not enough for me. I need to be able to hold her in my arms. I need to be able to kiss her and cuddle. 

The mission clean up went by quicker so we got home a day before. So, now i get to surprise her. 

I walked out of the elevator and looked in my floors living room hoping to see Y/n. She wasn't here so i went to the bedroom thinking she'd be here. "Y/n!" I called out. "Doll! I'm home!" I yelled. I opened the door and the bed was made get like she does every morning. The bathroom door was closed. I opened it and saw something i wish i hadn't.

"Y/n?" I asked quietly. She said anything or move so i walked forward seeing her legs. The bottom half of her thighs and part of her legs were bloody. There was blood running from the cuts going down the drain. Her hand was set beside her holding a small razor blade with blood on it. 

"Baby, please look at me." I put my hands on each side of her face. I could barely see with the tears brimming my eyes. "FRIDAY i need you to call Tony and Bruce. Tell them to bring a gurney for Y/n." I said with a shaky voice. 

"I can't lose you, Doll. Please don't leave me." I begged putting my forehead on hers. I moved my hands down to the cuts and put pressure on them to try to slow down the bleeding.

Bruce, Tony, Steve, and a nurse came into the bedroom. "In here." I said. Tony rushed in first and sat next to me. 

"What happened?" Bruce and Tony asked. "I don't know. I came in here to find her and saw her laying here." I trembled out. 

Tony stood up and walked out. I stood up and put my arm under her legs and one on her back. I picked her up and set her on the gurney. Once i did i turned around and put my arms around Steve's waist. He put his around my shoulders and rubbed my back. 

"She'll be fine, Buck. I know it. She's one of the strongest people i know." He said.

Me and Steve went to his floor because I didn't want to sit on OUR bed or OUR couch. Not if the news I got was that they did everything they could. 

We got to Steve's floor and I took a seat on his couch. I put my head back and closed my eyes. And did something I thought I would never do again.

"No one ever knows if your listening or not. Or if you can only hear when we say this stuff aloud. But i don't really say these things out loud where anyone can hear them. I need your help. And i know A LOT of people probably ask for help. But this time i really need you to listen. Not for me but for Y/n. Before everything happened with the war i didn't really date. I was the person to sleep around. But as soon as Steve found me and helped me bring back my memories and i saw Y/n. I knew I wanted her. I needed her. And i need her now too. I have no idea why she did that to herself but i need you to help me. I have no idea what i would do without her. She is always there and helps me when i need it. I love her so so much. So please just listen to what i have to say and don't take her from me. I never got to ask her." 

I opened my eyes and leaned forward putting my face in my hands. 

I definitely haven't talked or prayed to god in a long time. The last time was before i was finally wiped. Before every time HYDRA would take me to look at my arm or try to wipe me or force the Winter Soldier program in my head, i would pray. But i stopped and lost faith in god after that day. Because i realized he never cared.