Unpredictable Match 2

Forty Four

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sorry for mistakes/inaccuracies. i hope you guys enjoy. :)

Cam POV

I never thought we'd end up here.

It's been 32 days since the whole big blowout happened. 32 days since I found out what my son has been bottling in for years. 32 days since I was blamed for what happened to both of my children. 32 days since he left.

I have not spoken to Anthony in nearly a months time. I don't know what I was expecting, but when he said that day would be the last time I see him, I didn't think he meant it. But obviously, I'm not so sure now.

I don't know how else to express the anxiety and confusion I have felt in this past month. One part of me is done with Anthony completely. Sick to my stomach thinking about the things he told me. The things he's told me in the past. The way he treats our kids like an afterthought. Thinking about everything he has ever put me through—from when I was sixteen years old to now. Completely done, and exhausted.

But, the other part of me—the stupid part, the submissive part, the part that fell in love with him—wants him to come back. Wants to bare with his difficult ways for the sake of keeping him around. Wants to deal with arguing with him rather than losing him. Wants to make excuses for his actions—give him the benefit of the doubt, considering his mental health.

Neither side is winning, per say. I go back and forth most days. Some days I'll feel one way. Other days, I'll feel the other way. Some days I cry. Some days I'm cold. Some days I'm snappy. I haven't really had a positive mood since it happened, though. It still weighs very heavy on my mind and body. I haven't been happy since it happened, that I will say. How could I be?

Today, I'm somewhere in the middle. I've been occupying my time with organizing the curriculum for the school year coming up, making unnecessary slides and worksheets. I doubt that I'm gonna use all of them for real, but it's working to distract me. Also, being on FaceTime with Tyler as I'm doing all of this is distracting me as well. He's at the studio but I'm guilty of calling him and having him stay on the phone with me. For like, hours—if he's not home. I think it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I don't really feel like digging into that right now. I'm avoiding addressing a clearly uncontrollable issue. As long as Tyler doesn't show clear signs of being annoyed, I'm gonna pretend this is healthy.

"You good?" Tyler asks me, taking a break from his recording session.

"Yes. Why?"

"You quiet." He says.

I sigh, "Yeah, I'm just finishing up this PowerPoint presentation about....rhetorical devices," I put the final period on the last slide and then close my laptop, "I'm done now."

Tyler frowns into the camera as if he doesn't believe me. I don't know what's so alarming. I've been doing the same thing for the past month. "You want me to be honest, Cam?" He asks, looking like he has some sort of confession to make.

I sigh, "Not really." I admit. I'm sort of not in the headspace for honesty right now. I want to be in a state of oblivion right now, and forever. And if everyone can go along with that, that would be great.

I'm relieved when Tyler nods in understanding, and moves on to a different topic. I'm not sure what he would've said—whether it was about Ant, my mood, or my very clear and unhealthy attempt at distracting myself, but whichever one it was, I don't really want to dig into the truth of it all.