equanimity

2

billie
i honestly don't remember most of yesterday.

i fully knocked out after a couple minutes after the doctors rushed out of my room when they said that code thing.

what the hell even is a code blue?

when i woke up this morning, i was so fucking confused. i had no clue where i was for a moment and felt that my whole body was in complete pain.

it took me a moment to realize what happened yesterday wasn't a nightmare and it did in fact happen.

my family was in the room with me, talking quietly to each other and one of the doctors.

"is jayden okay?" i heard my mom ask. "what happened last night"

"a few things happened in the o.r last night" the doctor told her.

that sounds like jays mom

"she currently intubated" doctor savage told me mom. "jays suffering from a lot of trauma. most of her ribs are broken, she has severe injuries from the impact of the other car"

"i'm so sorry" mom sighed.

i opened my eyes and spoke, "she's gonna be okay right?" i asked quietly.

"she's gonna be okay billie" doctor savage walked over to me and placed her hand on top of mine. "how are you feeling"

"i'm in a lot of pain" i replied and winced a little when i tried taking a deeper breath.

"we'll up your dose" she told me softly. "and jaydens okay, don't worry"

"i wanna see her" i whimpered.

"she's still in i.c.u right now" her mom frowned. "we'll get her back to you billie, don't worry"

i guess that made me feel a bit better.

after my whole freak out last night when the doctors didn't tell me shit about her and that 'code blue' bullshit made me cry even more and then i fell asleep.

but the tone of doctor savages voiced sounded like she was lying to me....

i also can't imagine working and having to see your own kid in the hospital. that's must be terrifying, you're just working and you get called in because of some accident and you see it's your own kid.

i hope her mom and dad are okay, but i mostly hope jayden is okay the most.

she wasn't answering me yesterday nor was she moving.

she looked completely lifeless but i don't know.

she can't die on me... she won't

fuck, i'm scared.

one of the doctors came into my room and injected some more pain medicine into my tube.

i felt my aches die down a bit and my body relax.

"hi" i rasped out and smiled weakly at my family.

mom came over and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. "hi billie" she told me softly. "how are you doing?"

i shrugged in response and winced when i felt some pain.

"your fans are sending lots of love for you and jayden" claudia showed me her phone and there were tons of posts.

most of them said to get better, hope i'm okay, things like that and to recover soon.

i let out a sigh and closed my eyes.