killer instinct - || h.s. ||

18

" rolling marijuana, that's a cheap vacation "

---

aurora astor.

I finish up at the gym and my body is done for. I pace around to attempt to regain my breathing after that session, my chest rising and falling in short breaths. A fresh coat of sweat layers my entire body as I sniffle and wipe the sweat off my forehead.

I clean up and pull my soft, baggy clothes back on over my sports bra and spandex. I zip up my duffle and pull a cigarette out of the rectangular white pack to stick it in between my lips.

I multitask as I walk across the mats to cup the end and flick my lighter to burn the end of the white stick. The familiarity of the smoke fills my lungs that were desperate for the addictive nicotine.

I push the door of Lou's gym open to the burst of cold air hitting my damp skin whilst breathing out the tobacco smoke from my lungs into the brisk air. I lock up, holding my duffle as I start walking to my apartment building.

Breathing out smoke, I walk on my own time down the pavement with the street lamps lighting my way. I attempt to figure out what to do with myself and what I need to do to figure this out.

I suck in the smoke, holding it in my damaged lungs for a second while I tap the ashes off the glowing orange end to the pavement. I breathe out the smoke from my lungs with an exhale as I sniffle from the cold.

I continue walking, passing by people and taking long drags from this cigarette in between my fingertips – in my head half the time.

I flick the end of the cigarette onto the pavement to burn out in the cold. I push the door open to my apartment building and start the journey up the stairs. My legs radiate with an ache with each step I take from the workout I did minutes ago.

I get up to my floor and head down the hall as I pull out my keys. The jingle pierces through the silence and I stop in front of my door, unlocking it and pushing it open to step in. I kick the door shut behind me and I throw my keys onto my dining table. I drop my bag on the ground and kick my vans off, rubbing at the muscles at the back of my neck.

I venture through my place to shower first, making a beeline to the bathroom to get the sweat off my body. I start up the water and the shower head sprays against the porcelain to cut through the white noise drifting through my apartment.

I strip my clothes off and step under the scalding hot water, letting the heat and steam engulf me. I shut my eyes as the water burns my skin. I scrub my scalp, clean my hair, wash my body down with my loofah, and use a sugar scrub tonight. I feel physically cleaner from the lack of sweat sticking to my skin now but my mind still feels off like usual.

I get out, wrapping a fluffy towel around my body and staring back at my reflection in the foggy mirror. I stare back at myself in the mirror, taking in the red irritated skin along my shoulders and collarbones whilst running a brush through my hair. I rake the product through it and scrunch it up with my fingers then following it to do my skincare quickly.

I head out again, letting my towel drop and pulling out a black hoodie too many sizes too big on me. I tug it over my hot skin with a pair of underwear up my sore legs. I finish off the stunning look with a pair of soft cotton shorts.

Even still in my comfiest of items of clothing, I find myself sitting back at the edge of my bed. I bury my face into my sleeve-covered hands and take a deep breath in the silence of my place ringing through my ears with my thoughts.

I attempt to backtrack my steps and figure this out in my head but it's just going in circles and circles. Everything seems to connect but disconnect at the same time and I'm losing touch with what I'm supposed to be looking for. The only thing that brought me to a false sense of hope was–