the girl who lost things

part forty-one

— jessie's pov
my alarm rings: 7:30 am, it's Saturday. My birthday. I should be happy, and I kind of am. I knew what to expect, I come out of my room, but the lights were on.

Everything was regular, great! Finally, someone forgets, I didn't want lights and shows and presents. I wanted to be forgotten.

I open the fridge; I'm recovering. I'm supposed to eat breakfast.

don't
don't
don't

I tell the voice to be quiet, but it only gets louder; it was getting so hard to shut out.

I need to eat to fuel my body. Why is this so hard? I was just holding the fridge door? I could feel the cold air coming out; I was shaking.

I push the fridge door closed, stop shaking. I slide down on my cabinets, putting my face on my hands.
My whole body was shaking. Was this how a panic attack was? I try to pace my breath one, two, one, two.

Where is Emily when you need her?

I push everything down; that's what Emily taught me. When the going gets tough, push everything down. I know it's not the best way, but I was desperate.

I don't know why pushing everything down was physically hard. it hurts.

Get ahold of yourself!!!

Then, it's like a switch flips.

Everything stops, the shaking stops. Then, I hear the front door open.

Wipe your tears and get up; I move so quickly I almost faint.

" happy birthday!" I see balloons passing through the doorway, following Emily and Derek. No big crowd, finally. I put a smile and my face.

" thank you, guys!" I take the balloons which say 
" happy 15th" and a bunch of other useless crap.

" We didn't know if you wanted something big or small, so we just decided to surprise you," Emily says, putting a cake on the table.

" thank you, guys, seriously." I give them each a hug.

Emily runs to get candles; it was a carrot cake. At least they got a good flavour. I put my finger in the icing and taste it.

The voices get louder; just shut them off.

" you ok?" Derek says, holding my shoulder.

" yea." come to think, two years ago, I would've never thought twice about putting my finger in the cake.

But then again, I would've never thought I would be a rape victim or have an abortion or an eating disorder.  I guess a lot of things change in two years.

Emily lights the candles. " come on; make a wish."

A wish, if I had one desire, it would be to turn the voice off. to be able to eat freely, have fun without that tiny voice nagging me all the time. That's my wish.

I blow the candles out. They go out on by one.

" What did you wish for?" Derek says, trying to cut the cake.

" it's a secret." he gives me a slice and then passes one to Emily and then himself. I take a few bites trying to force the thoughts away.

I think positively.

— emily's pov
this is a good time to tell her; I don't want to tell her too late. This is a good time. She was enjoying her cake; she looked happy enough.

" Jessie?" she looks up at me with a tiny cake smear on her cheek. " I got a job offer."

" don't you already have a job?" Derek looks at me with the " it's not a good time." face. But I go ahead anyway.

" yes, but I got a better offer at Interpol." she pauses for a minute. Then looks up at me with confusion.

" in London?" I nod. " are you going to take it?" I nod again. I could see happiness leave her eyes.

— jessie's pov
I put my fork down. " what does that mean?"

" It means that you have a choice." is the lady serious, giving me a choice on my birthday- like come on.  I nod for her to continue.

" leave to London with me or stay here with Derek." I look at her, then at Derek. Both of them with pityness in their eyes. I hate that look.

But I don't want to choose. I can't leave my mom; not again, I don't want to leave her. I don't want her to leave me. Then again, everybody else I know is here, including Clara, and I'm the only "family" she has, and I promised I wouldn't leave her.

I look at my mom again.

" if you choose to stay here, I promise I will call every day and come and visit when I'm free." I guess I've made my decision for Clara.

" c-can I stay?" I could see the look of disappointment wash across her face following glossy eyes; she expected me to go with her, and I did, but I can't break my promise. She nods, and I walk up to her, wiping the tears off her eyes and resting my face on her shoulder.

" yea, yea. My flight leaves on Thursday." so soon, she was leaving in two days,  no time to dwell on her presence.  I looked at Derek. He expected me to say no; I expected me to say no.