the girl who lost things

part twenty-four

— JJ's pov

Jessie wasn't getting better; She was getting worse. I finally put her in outpatient. She still has to go to school and stuff but also recover. I put the breakfast in front of her and Henry. I could see picks at it at first but then starts to take a bite. Henry dives right in, which makes me smile. " How was your night?"

" Good." I take a seat right next to her, giving her some orange juice.

— jessie's pov

She puts the orange juice on the table. This is too much food. Too many calories, I'll purge. Mr.
LaMontagne focuses on his food. I know he doesn't want me here, the extra baggage. I know I'll be out of his way soon. I leave some eggs and toast on my plate. I put the toast in the fridge and throw away the eggs. "I'm going to go get ready," I say, walking upstairs. Immediately, I head empty myself in the bathroom. Throwing up all the orange juice and eggs and bacon. Eww, the bacon. I brush my teeth and get ready. It's been three months since her death. He started raping me again last week. Clara looked worn out. Hopeless. I missed her, I hated what he did to me, but I hated what he did to her more. I put on a cami dress with my black converses. I have to take vitals today. I walk downstairs and back into the kitchen." Jessie! Look," Henry says, holding up a potato head. " I make Mr. potato head." I smile and kneel. "You're so smart!"

" You look good!" She says to me; I had lost 5 pounds putting me at 95lbs. I did look good. " Thank you." She grabs her key, and we exit the house. The drive was short. I was scared; I don't want to be put on the tube.

—
I walk to the examination room; I already knew the routine. I take off my shoes and hop on the scale; I look at the numbers; 95.8lbs. I breathe a sigh of relief. Everything's good. For me, The doctor sighs and then takes my blood pressure and my heart rate. JJ also looks disappointed in me. " Jessie, we're going to have to tube you." Ah, the tube, I was happy. I was sick. Sick enough. But that means weight gain. I contemplate for a while. I won't let myself get too fat—only just five pounds. I'll choose recovery this once. I nod; they both look surprised. she brings out the feeding tube. I've never had one before. But the pain of a tube going through my nose and down my throat doesn't scare me. Two other nurses come in and restrain me. I feel the tube go down my nose; I can't help but gag. I see JJ. She's trying to stay strong, but I can see her pity. I close my eyes and let them finish. They tape it, and I walk to the mirror. I look pretty for a sick girl.

—
The car ride to the bau is silent. She takes me to work now; because I can't be trusted by myself, probably since I'm a bad influence on Henry. " How do you feel?" she keeps her eyes on the road. I'm reading my poetry book." Ok, I guess." But, I really wasn't. It didn't strike me till later but having this tube in my nose was embarrassing at the least. I need to get this shit out. I decide to distract myself with the book. It was huge, like 800 pages. I was on page 145. I close it and look out the window. The world seemed a lot better in a car; Everything goes by in a flash.

" You ok?" I snap out of my trance."Mhm." I hated being with JJ; I felt like a burden. Like I had to be perfect. She had her perfect little family; I ruined it. " What's going through your mind."How to succeed in killing myself. " Nothing much." I look back out the window, everything just passing by without a care in the world.

—
" We have a case," Garcia says in her frantic voice. I get pity stares from the team while they're walking to the table. I almost forgot I look like a skeleton with a tube in her nose. I walk into Garcia's office and sit on the couch with my earphones in and go into my secret place. Silence, I close my eyes. Rest, I drift into my dream.

*dream*

" Jessie, no!" I hear all of their shouts and screams, but I can't stop; he needs to pay. for what he did to her, what he did to me. I take the gun and cock it to his head. Just pull the lever, Jessie. I finally do it. I hear his brain splatter. I stand in shock. My ears ring. I could hear people yelling at me to put down the gun. I looked around at the team, worried and in tears. It's finally my time. It's over. I take the gun and put it to my neck. I was adjusting the trigger.

Boom!

*dream ends*

"You ok, honey." I shake myself awake and nod. Rubbing my eyes to reveal Garcia. " Yea, just a bad dream." She hands me some pasta with a salad; it looked huge. I cringe at sight. " I'm guessing this is my lunch?" she nods and sits at her computer.

" If you need help, I'll be here to egg you on!" she takes a bite into her boiled egg—such an excellent pun. I smile and take a bite of my pasta. I can feel it going down my system—pure disgust. But, at this point anything to get this tube out. I could see Penelope looking at me through her computer screens. I'll take three more bites; I tell myself—just three.

I walk, grab a seat next to Garcia and take another bite. " What's the case for today?"

she looks at me with a smile. " I'll never understand why; your young mind is so intrigued by all of this." she hands me the case file.

I take another bite, chewing for like five minutes.
Four men found shot in the rural parts of Vermont in the last five days. Garcia rings up the team.

" Hello, my beautiful sugar plums! how may I assist you?"

" any overlap between the victims?" Morgan ask. I take my last bite. It was a hard one; my stomach was already full.

" nada, except that they were both very fit! Like I'm talking, Mike Tyson fit! I went to gyms at least three times a week." I look at the bodies.

Dead and lifeless.