the girl who lost things

part twenty-two

— jessie's pov
it's been nine days since I've gotten the news. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral. It's all been so strange; I sleep in her clothes to feel closer to her. Garcia has been keeping watch on me, leaving food at my door, and sleeping on the couch. I haven't come out of my mom's room, and I've just been throwing away the food she's given me. Her room was the same, and I could still feel her presence. Every day has been playing on loop. Tears and anger. Hatred at whoever did this. On her bed are pictures of her and me. Happier times. I hear a knock at the door. It wasn't Penelope; this knock was lighter. I don't answer. Just look back at the pictures with tears coming down my eyes. The doorknob turns, and the door opens. It was JJ.

She closes the door and comes to sit right next to me on the bed. " I miss her too." She lets out. I couldn't even speak. I just nod. I miss her; I really miss her. Everything has gotten worse; I've run out of room to cut. I've lost way more weight, and I look dead, gone. " I'm worried about you." she takes my fragile arms, which have gone limp. I look her in the eyes; she looks like she's been crying too. I close my eyes " Why?" I manage to let out; my voice sounds coarse. I get out of bed and go into the bathroom. I don't have time for her tedtalks.

I don't want to feel this way anymore, this numbness—this grief. I pull out my razor, and it alines with my wrist. Line after line. All horizontal, but what if- What if I do a vertical this one time. I look at the door; this is your chance, Jessie. To end it, to be with your mom. I make the line. I hurt at first, but the blood starts to run fast. It takes me back a sec. Sliding on the floor, feeling my blood drain. Then, the door swings open.

JJ.

She was becoming blurry, but I could hear her screaming and crying. " Penelope! Call the ambulance." I make out. I start to cry," J-just leave me." I blurt out. She takes a towel and covers the bleeding. I could hear her sobbing at this point. " You're not leaving! I'm not losing you too." I close my eyes. " Just let me go." I start to sob into her arms. I don't want to feel this anymore; I don't want to get raped anymore, I don't want to feel fat anymore, and I surely don't want to be alone any longer. I could hear the ambulance and Penelope screaming. Then, everything goes black—a familiar feeling.

—
My eyes feel heavy. I try to open them. It takes me like five minutes. It was bright, too bright. Heaven? I could hear voices, some crying and some chattering. My eyes entirely focus. Hospital. I'm in a hospital. I start to cry again. I fail at everything I do." Don't cry," I hear a familiar voice. Dereks.The whole team was there. I could see them outside. I don't want this; I don't want this pity. Derek takes a seat. " I understand. Why." He lets out a tear, the first time I've seen him cry. "You're not in trouble." He says, grabbing my hand. "You're strong, powerful, and we're gonna fight this." I look at him almost with a sense of hope. I could see a doctor talking to JJ, and she looked even more distressed than before. Her eyes looked swollen, like she has been crying all day. I look at my wrist, wrapped up.

Failed. A failed attempt.

Derek leaves the room to talk to the others, probably to tell them I'm awake. JJ walks in first." Don't ever do that," she says, tears erupting in her eyes. I don't know what to say or what to feel. She leans in for a hug. She just hugs me for like ten minutes. Tears and sniffles were the only things I could hear.

" The doctor also diagnosed you some stuff." She says, coughing. "Anorexia Nervosa." I smile. " I know this isn't the right time to tell you, but...I just wanted to let you know if they start poking a prodding you."

Anorexia. that title that I hold. That's the only thing I thought about. She took my arm, the one without the bandage, and revealed the scars. " Why didn't you tell someone?" I didn't answer; I didn't want to. I shrug my shoulders. I look at her directly in the eyes. No one would understand.