Dear King

46. A Mother's Prayer..

"No let it go, I don't care. He threatened my child so leave it be. He got what he wanted and I'm not going to keep trying to find ways to hurt him back. That's everyone's problem, revenge I don't want revenge. Let me be and stop trying to fix everything, some stuff just needs to be left alone"

"This man hurt you in a way that breaks my heart and as a mother I want him dead! But I'll settle with knowing he's in prison for what he did. You're a mother now, you have a daughter and you'd be furious too"

"I would feel the same but right now I don't want anything done for me. Nothing can be done, I don't wanna look over my shoulder because you or some one else did something. Because if you do something to him, he's coming for me and my child. And her life means more to me then anything, it sucks this happened to me. But I'm no longer living with that pain in my heart. I'm done suffering, fuck everyone who has ever hurt me. Life's a bitch.. end of story"

"If this is your way of coping.. I'll respect that, I just I want him to get what he deserves. Maybe one day you'll see this situation like I do, call me later?"

"I'll think about it. If I don't call you back today I will tomorrow"

I ended the phone call and started to drain the water so I could now take a shower. I have to shower after sitting in the bathtub, I'm wasting water but I don't normally do this. I'm more of a shower person but a nice hot bath with Epsom salt was needed.

:

With Ava in one arm I held onto Tj's hand he's the sweetest little boy ever. He makes me want a son but I'm happy with one child. Tazo has the ideal little family, a boy and a girl and they're so well behaved. Miley begged Tazo to take us to dinner after her play. And of course he said yes, he can't say no to his children. Who could? Their little cute faces make it almost impossible.

Once we were seated I helped Tj with his menu and handed him the crayons. He smiled at me and rubbed Ava's hair.

"Thank you auntie Hazel"

"You're welcome baby"

While both Tj and Miley got lost in their coloring I adjusted Ava in my arm. She's was milk wasted, mouth open and all like she had a hard day.

"You see this? She's sleeping like she has two jobs"

"Yeah, she had a rough day. She hasn't been to sleep since I took her with me"

"Really? Normally she goes right to sleep after eating"

"She was too busy being nosy, plus my mom kept her up being all in her face. That woman loves the kids, she fell in love with Ava. I didn't stop hearing oh my goodness what a pretty little baby. She's just so pretty what does her mama look like?"

"Oh my gosh, that's too cute. I owe it all to her daddy she doesn't look much like me. Maybe she will when she gets a bit older"

"Nah.. that's all my boy. She looks more and more like him each day"

"I know which is why I never even ask if she looks like me"

The waitress came by and asked us what we were going to get and I chose the seafood platter. I haven't had seafood in a few weeks and I really want some. Tazo ordered the kids chicken strips, french fries and then a steak, baked potato and some kind of pasta for himself. Once the waitress walked away he leaves against the table and looked at me.

"How are feeling about the situation?"

I knew what he was talking about so I chose to give him the most truthful answer. He might not see it as that but hey..

"I'm good, Its not something that I wanted to happen but it happened. There's nothing anyone can do to turn back the hands of time. Whats done is done therefore I'm not going to allow this to turn me into something I'm not. If anything this situation made me much stronger. I'm over it, I realized that this is what trusting any and everyone gets you. This isn't the first time someone hurt me so I'm gonna get up and brush myself off"

He looked at me oddly, and leaned up to check my pulse and feel my forehead.

"You didn't take anything other than your medicine right?"

"No, I'm being serious. I don't feel sad, depressed or anything else. It is what it is, God will take care of this situation. There's no need to for me to mope around anymore, I'm alive and that's all that matters"

This hasn't affected in the way it probably affects many. I will not let this captivate me, I'm moving forward. As if it never happened because holding onto it will never help me. Everyone deals with this type of stuff differently, it crosses my mind but I will never let it take over my life.

"I feel like talking about it, is reliving it and reliving it won't do me any good. I know its weird that I'm saying it's not something that's weighing me down. I'm done with it, I prayed about it and I've given everything to God. And I'm living for a better day, I refuse to continuously cry. I refuse to let any of the things that I've endured this past year hold me back anymore than they already have"

Even after all of this, I still believe there is a guy out there for me. I hope one day I do find unconditional love, I've had my heart broken so many times. But I know someone will be able to help me patch the pieces back together. I'm not looking for love or a relationship right now because I believe it will happen for me when the time is right.

And then with what happened a few days ago, I'm not going to completely shut people out. I'll just be more careful with who I allow to enter my life. It's crazy because this whole entire situation, from my parents, to what King put me through, and the attack. It has changed me in a way I can't even explain.

It took this last incident  for me to really see that everyone doesn't have my best interest. People started out nice, supportive and then they hurt me. I don't know if it's my sweet demeanor that makes them take advantage and run with it. Or the fact that I couldn't see the signs that were there all along. But I know better now, it will never happen again..

"Talking about it could be a good thing, I feel like you're using this as an excuse to block out what happened. I don't want you to tell me one thing if deep inside you still need help. They have support groups where you can talk about it and fully get passed it"

"I don't need a support group.."

"I think you do, no one gets over something like this in a few days"

"I never said I was completely over it. I'm just moving on from the situation"

We both thanked the waitress when she brought out our food and our drinks. He showed Miley how to dip her chicken tenders in the honey mustard and then turned back to me.

"I hope that's the truth. You have me if you feel you don't have anyone else. I want the best for you.."

:

After getting Ava ready for bed I sat the rocking chair with her and just looked at her. She's the only good thing I've received in my entire life. And even after all the bad I still manage to pick myself back up. I'm living for her now, I'm glad before her I found the strength to keep going. I don't know where that strength came from but I'm glad I didn't give up.

I might have kept going for the wrong reasons at that time but I stuck it out. I feel like sometimes bad things have to happen so you can open your eyes. I thought my eyes were open, I thought I knew, but I didn't and that's okay. No one will ever mistreat or abuse me ever again. I learned my lesson the hard way and now I'm going to teach my daughter the right way..

Last night I prayed on a fallen star that you never have a broken heart
Though the world is cold, just remember who you are
And I pray that you never have a rainy day
And no matter what people say
Even when it hurts it'll be okay..