Definition Diner

36. now or never

Tuesday, November 18th

After our talk with Liv, we were both put to work, new people kept coming in and the only thing on my mind was tonight. 

I had gotten to the house to dog sit only ten minutes after my shift ended, which was early, and decided to take a shower. This was not the first time that I had stayed the night at the house, and considering I would be leaving for school in the morning from here I would rather just take a shower now and get to sleep for fifteen minutes longer tomorrow. 

I had texted Cade that the key was under the mat in case I wasn't out yet, he was running home to grab his backpack because he had to get an English paper done before midnight. Good luck with that.

The shower was much needed and probably took longer than it should have, but the second that I walked out there and Cade was in front of me, I knew that I needed to explain myself. If not for him, then for me. 

I was sure that I had beat Cade in getting to the living room since I never heard Sadie bark, or the front door open for that matter, but he sits on the couch engaged in whatever show was playing on the tv which had been left on for the dog. I think it was one of those house hunting shows on Home and Garden, the couple complaining about the wall color like they couldn't just paint it. His back is to me and all I could see was his hair that had been dissolved by running his hands through the back in nerves. He was nervous. His leg bounced, stopped after he caught himself, and his hands never stopped fidgeting. 

I want to take it all back, throw him and his backpack straight into his car and send him on his way. But I can't.

Now or never. 

I startle him when I step out from behind the sectional, his worried expression softening once he saw it was me. "Good news, I only have my conclusion paragraph left."

"Earlier you said you only had a paragraph done." I sit in the corner of the sofa, far away enough but not to the point where it looks like I think he's disgusting. Sadie takes this chance to come and rest her head on my leg that I had pulled up next to me. 

"Yea I managed to write some of it at work on my phone." I nod in understanding but can't seem to make eye contact. I just need to do it. I need to blurt it out and deal with the embarrassment later. He doesn't draw attention to the fact that I'm being weird until after the couple on tv pick their house, one that doesn't fit their wants, just their needs. "Are you okay?"

And just like that, my body spits it out. "I'm sorry."

It takes Cade a second to understand what I am saying, immediately going to speak, "Jess, I told you, you don't have to apologize."

"Yes, I do." He closes his mouth and I continue. "You deserve an explanation on why I did what I did."

"I like you," Cades jumps in before I can start to explain myself. It's something that I knew, but it was surreal to hear it. "I have liked you for much longer than you could probably guess. Actually, I think it was around the winter dance last year when you were hanging up posters and almost fell off the ladder." Another thing that I had to do for class council, and so not worth it because two days later some freshmen decided to try and hang on them which just caused them to rip apart. "I think that was it, although it could have been last winter break when you were at Colin's and singing along to Pitch Perfect so loud that I could practically hear it from outside." I know my fast is beat red, although I think the dark lighting might be saving me the tiniest bit.

I want to interrupt him, call him out because there's no way he liked me back then, but I know I shouldn't.

"I couldn't do anything. I was dating someone and you would probably think I was playing a prank so I pushed it aside. And then when you interviewed me at the beginning of the year I was trying so hard not to act weird, and I regret talking to you like that after school to this day. It keeps me up sometimes. I knew it wasn't going away when we playing against the Knights. When that shithead said all those things and I didn't care who saw me defend you. I was sure you liked me back after the hints that Shan would drop, and after I would bug Liv for hours and she would finally reveal something small. I was sure." He breaks to laugh, laugh at himself in a moment from the past. "And then you took me to the park and I got so cocky. After your friends said those things, and I shouldn't have kissed you." He stops focusing on the finger that kept running over his knuckle, instead, he looks at me. "You don't have to like me, but you need to know that I do."