My body

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by ursula474

by ursula474

Broke into a rash
To psoriasis
To eczema

Broke down
To tears
To rage
To emptiness

I felt my spirit rent a space in my body with a full time job
Meaning
She was outside 9-5

I was alone
When they snarled and bit me I was alone
I was always the coward in the wrong space
No I mean
The loud bitch with no taste
I mean
The whore with two faces

I mean
I was always in the wrong and I fell when nothing was right
You said that I'd be a great lawyer I said
With no help from you

I meant
Stop saying things when you don't care
I meant this to everyone

My body has been bruised with more than just you
More than just your sharp tongue has cut my soul
But you were the only one who cried because of it
Made an apology just an apology until you told me you would only say them once.

I think to myself how can I be the only one who can stand alone
What makes me so fucking awful when I feel like all I do is love someone

My body
Felt like lead this morning
Felt like ash in the afternoon
Felt like air at midnight

Which makes sense because that's when I missed you the most

I know I've been talking about you for a year now but my body says you left a month ago

But if this year has taught me anything it's that a month is a long fucking time
And you're not even looking for my body
Nobody is

But my body built me
My body made a mountain a molehill with the soles of my feet

My body swallowed my pride and turned it into
More fucking pride
My body gave me rumplestiltskin finger tips
So that when I touch myself I feel like gold.

So if anybody thinks I give a fuck
That I feel weaker now
That I feel more annoying now that I'm on my own
That they don't know who I am without you
That I'm louder now
I say it's crazy how loud my lungs are now that I don't have to bite my tongue

If I'm a bitch it's because my brain has stopped sending me messages that I'm worthless because my ears aren't listening to you

And my body is bigger
It's because my body made space for me to create my own cave of comfort eating and wanted to hold me through it
Showing me it's okay that I take up space in a room on my own
That she thinks I'm so beautiful that they're should be more of me

Because my body is my best friend
She is down for whatever I want to do
Whatever I need

So that I'm never alone