He's My Cousin!

[Ch.54] Choose Me

(late) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Matagal na sana 'tong update kaso nabura haha

[Ch.54] Choose Me

// Ayanna's Point of View

"You have to be stronger. You have to put up a fight, especially everyone else wants you to crumble, to give up," she said, her words and tone encouraging. I stared at her as thousands and millions of thoughts were running inside my head, my chest unstable, my hands sweating. "Hindi pwedeng hahayaan mo na lang na mangyari kung ano ang mangyayari. You have to do what you think is right, what you think will make you happy."

"I'm sorry," bigla kong sabi. Sa tagal nang pagsasalita niya ay hindi ko naman naintindihan ang bawat salitang namutawi sa kaniyang bibig. Puro pagsisi lang ang tumatakbo sa isip ko habang tinitignan ko ang mukha niya. Regret that I hated her in the past. Regret that I didn't even think that maybe she had things to deal with too way back the time I needed her, when I turned my back on her.

Narealize kong may kaniya-kaniya kaming buhay, may kaniya-kaniya kaming problema. I have been selfish and narcissistic all along— always thinking about myself, always deciding based on my situation, always disregarding other people's stature. I have taken Liz for granted all along. At itong pagtanggap niya sa akin na para bang hindi ako nakagawa ng kasalanan ay patuloy na nagpapasikip sa dibdib ko. Malaking sampal ito sa akin.

Lumambot lalo ang tingin niya sa akin. "Aya," saway niya sa akin. "There's nothing to be sorry about." Gusto kong tumawa sa sinabi niya ngunit hindi ko iyon nagawa nang makita ko ang ekspresiyon sa mukha niya. She looked so sincere, she looked worried... and the most heartwrenching fact about this was... those emotions were all directed to me.

Matapos ang nagawa ko hindi lang sa kaniya kung hindi pati ang kasalanan ko, narito pa rin siya. She wasn't taking my side or Ella's. She was just hoping and trying that Ella and I could make up. She was the true friend I never thought I had.

"I didn't—" I trailed off. I tried finding the right words to say but there seemed nothing. I was sorry, really sorry. Ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sa kaniya kung gaano ako nagsisisi. One thing I know for sure was that... it wasn't enough.

"Liz, hindi ko..." Again, I was lost with words. I didn't know what to tell her except that I was sorry. I didn't want to make excuses because I knew what I did, and why I did that. I was guilty, and I wouldn't shame myself a bit more through lying to my own self. I'm done with that phase. Kailangan ko nang matutong harapin ang mga problema at mga pagkakamali ko. Hindi ko na kayang magbulagbulagan pa at pikit-matang isang tabi lahat.

"It's okay," she said as she reached for my hand. "You've been through so much, Aya. I'm telling you it's okay, because it's okay. Ang mahalaga nandito ka ngayon at maayos natin 'yung kay Ella. Understand?" she said to me softly as she held my hand more tightly.

"Maayos pa ba kami ni Ella?" I thought out loud. "Bakit siya gano'n, Liz? Alam ko namang maling-mali 'yung ginawa ko at never kong icaclaim na tama iyon, pero bakit kailangan niyang sabihin 'yung mga sinabi niya? Why did she have to shame me that way? Alam kong mali, pero may parte ng sarili ko ang umasa na kahit papaano... kahit papaano susubukan niyang intindihin ako. That never happened. The only thing she did to me was to lambaste to my face how vile all those things I've done." Nag-umpisa na namang mamuo ang butil ng mga luha sa gilid ng mata ko. Huminga ako nang malalim.