He's My Cousin!

[Ch.59] Tying Up Loose Ends (Part 2)

[Ch. 59] Tying Up Loose Ends

// Ayanna's Point of View

I have been thinking for the past two days about what Paolo had said to me. Noong seventeen pa lang ako ay ito ang pinangarap kong gawin namin ni Paolo. I was more than willing to relinquish everything for him. Gusto ko na lang na gumawa kami ng sarili naming mundo. Gusto ko iyong walang makikialam sa amin kung magka-ano-ano kami. Basta ang importante ay magkasama kami.

But as I grew older, I learned that things weren't as easy as that. Na hindi ko maaring takbuhan na lang ang sitwasiyon dahil lang hindi naaayon sa gusto ko ang nangyayari. I learned to live my life and to stop running away from it.

Pero sa puntong dumating na ang pagkakataong magawa ang mga ninais mong gawin noon... you still wouldn't know what to do. Part of your heart would still yearn to accomplish the unfinished businesses of the past.

"Aya," I heard Mama's cold voice calling my name.

"Bukas po iyan." I watched as she came inside my room. Naramdaman ko na lang na umupo siya sa gilid ko, sa tabi ko. I wanted to cry in her shoulders like before, to tell her my worries and to hear her comforting words, but the wall I built around me for the past five years was way too strong to destroy in a heartbeat.

"You know you can tell me everything," she said.

"Malapit na po 'yung practicum ko," I said. And then I thought, would I even be able to have my practicum? But then I stopped myself; you can't possibly think of escaping with Paolo, Aya.

"Paolo," she said his name as if she heard my thoughts. I stared blankly at her.

"Ma, please. I don't want to talk about that anymore." I am a living piece of guilt. Ayaw ko nang pag-usapan iyon because I can't freaking endure the look of disappointment in her face. I knew I've done wrong, but it was something beyond my control. Sinubukan ko namang hindi umabot sa ganito. I tried, I swear I tried.

"I need to talk about it, Aya. For my sanity." Her eyes were pleading, I looked away.

"Ma-"

"Aya, why didn't I know? Why didn't I notice?" She held my arms and right then and there I realized one thing: she wasn't disappointed in me, or at least it wasn't what's making her like that. She was disappointed in herself. For not knowing, for not noticing... for not being able to save me.

"It's not your fault," was the only thing I said to her. It was the only thing she needed to know.

The next day came. Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko, but I suddenly found myself reactivating my Facebook account. I browsed through my albums and tagged pictures... mostly pictures of me with Ella and Liz.

So much has changed for the past years. Ella and I were not the same anymore; Liz would be having a little version of her months from now. Sa ngayon, I am not wishing for everything to be back to their places anymore, ang gusto ko na lang ay maayos ang lahat. I am no longer wishing for a happy ending, but rather a justifiable one. I knew happiness was only for those people who deserve it.