Loving Jemima

25. Warm fuzzies

Jemima

"Well I think that went well" Sandra said cheerily once Anne had left. I turned looking back at my tree.
"Jem it's time for one of your nutrition drinks" Matty called out to me walking back in the room.
"Did you not listen to anything Emmy had to say?" Max snapped at him
"Max please don't argue" I pleaded sadly.
"Sorry Emmy" he apologised and came over to hug me. "You wanna talk about any of it or.."
"Maybe later max" I shook my head
"Can I look?" He asked picking up my crumpled answer sheet "you've got more written down for your answers then just Steve baby, why didn't you...." I snatched it out of his hands re crumpling it. "Ok, sorry" max kissed my temple "you're being so brave baby, I'm proud of you, we'll get there. You want me to help you with the food and flashback diary like William did?"
"You're being pushy and clinging as fuck weaver" Matty complained "stop trying to be posh boy, you're not in the same league and stop calling her bloody baby all the time you creep! That's what william calls her! Why don't you back off and let her breathe, you're suffocating her."
"You need to actually start listening Matty, she said in the session, the woman she said how do you know if you don't ask! So I'm asking, Emmy knows she can say no to me."
"Boys this isn't helping anyone, defiantly not Jemima! So stop!" Sandra scolded both of them

"I'm sorry Jem, do you want my help with it?" Matty asked looking hopeful but clearly was expecting a no. I stood up walking over to him wrapping my arms around his waist squeezing him tight "Hey it's ok, we'll help you Jem, but we just don't know what to do, what you're comfortable with, how far we can push it, you know I want to know what you see in your flashbacks and nightmares."
"You don't" I let him go walking away up to the floral room to be alone.

"Hey baby, can I come in or do you want to be alone?" Max stuck his head around my door, I nodded and he stepped in shutting the door "you did good Emmy. It's not going to happen over night as much as we would like it too. I'm here ok, if you need me then I'm here. I'm not going to do a runner on you if you tell me details, I just wanted to make sure you know that." I nodded leaning my head on his shoulder "ten years worth of abuse is a long time eh, I guess there's a lot we still don't know, that doesn't even include your real dad before that."
"I don't think he'll ever know everything, there's just too much. I tried for so long to block it out and forget and now I can't stop remembering. it's just so frustraighting it's like it's invading my brain and taking over."
"I know, but we're gonna get through this together."

"You've come a long way since last year, this is just a set back Emmy, you've not completely relapsed, you've already put some weight back on, not everything from your safe list has dropped off, it's just a bump in the road, not a complete derailment."
"Burgers....was the last meal we had before the accident. I just see you with blood dripping from your head, the crushing metal sound, the blaring car horns, the screaming, Matty panicking trying to get to us, the smell of petrol burning, the pain, the heat from the fire. All the bloody barbecues, I can't stand it."
"Shit Emmy, is this not just about Steve anymore baby?" Max gasped, I shook my head "Oh baby I didn't even think....I just thought the accident re-triggered everything like nearly loosing me like you lost Matty. You're having PTSD issues about the accident too, of course you bloody are."

He held me close to him tenderly stroking me to provide some comfort "well maybe, I mean we can check with that Anne woman, but maybe you and me can have a date night or something and have burgers, we can do it in my room, lock the door so you feel safe, just me and you. we can make a good memory, I don't know if that works like replacing the bad one maybe? We can light scented candles and play music so you associate it with different sensory input? I'll cook the burgers myself, do them well done so there's no blood what's so ever and not on the barbie."
"I can try, i am trying max, it's just some days are harder than others. I want to eat, I don't want to be like this max, It's hard to eat when you feel sick already you know. It just depends on the day. I have good days and bad days.....some fucking godawful days."
"I guess so. William used to tell us that." Max kissed my hair rubbing my head "so would you like me to help with the diaries? Or Matty? Or one of the other boys, maybe Tom? or maybe Sandra?"
"Maybe, William He...Sorry"