Loving Jemima

54. I wasn't ready for this

Matty

I stood outside the bathroom listening in to Jem on the phone, I couldn't make out the conversation but I was worried she clearly was hiding in the bathroom. Max was busy trying to make their room as relaxed as possible, fussing over his son, enjoying having him home.
"Jesus Matty, you gave me a heart attack" Jem jumped when she found me lingering.
"Sorry, just checking you were ok. I know your tricks sis. Water was running, your hairs dry."
"Busted. Was getting ready for bed, honestly."
"Everything will settle Jem, I promise you, you're still in shock, anyone would be, not just you."
"I know" I nodded and sighed
"Mum said.....she said you're not bonding with him. Eric. You're doing a grand job of looking after him but you're distant. Is it just his unusual birth?" She shook her head, looking at her feet "Arthur then." I nodded in understanding, pulling her into me "I know sis, he should be here, you have to let go of the idea that if you love Eric it means you love Arthur less. You don't have to choose between them."

"Why is everyone arguing Matty?"
"We're not"
"When will you boys learn that you can't whisper" I joked snuggling into his chest "they don't want us here do they. Are they angry with me"
"No"
"With max?"
"A little but not really, listen to him" I chuckled nodding at their bedroom door, listening into max singing a midnight blue song to Eric "I've never seen him happier Jem. It's hard to be mad with a man that happy."
"I wish I was that happy" Jem mumbled "I should be shouldn't i?"
"I think this is your emotional flashbacks Jem, it's your PTSD and the circumstances, if you'd had noticed he was coming you'd have been more prepared. Stocking the cupboard with pregnancy tests you're taking one every month little miss. I'm not even kidding."

"Stop it" She rolled her eyes
"I knew Jem. I just tried to block it out because it's my issue. He respectful Jem? You comfortable with that side of the relationship?"
"Yes. He is. He just gets too excited and carried away sometimes. I told him shower sex wasn't....never mind" She blushed "in fairness I knew it wasn't and should have done something about it. I just thought, the doctors said....well it's done now. Don't think it was the shower anyway."
"Exactly. Would you have kept him if you'd known Jem? Is that what you're trying to tell me? That you wanted an abortion but didn't get the chance? You know I would have supported your decision sis. You contemplating giving him up? You've still got options kiddo."
I looked up to see max listening in, holding Eric, bouncing him gently. A tear rolling down his cheek

"Shit max, mate don't cry, I was just asking. I didn't mean anything by it"
"You didn't answer. you would wouldn't you? You didn't want to have my baby. Because he's mine? Is it because of me? Because of how I am? I swear I'm trying Emmy, I will do better. It's just all new."
"Max, it's not about your medical issues. It's about her trauma mate."
"Emmy? Would you have aborted him if you knew? Would you have got rid of our boy?"
"No" she let go of me, looking at Sandra gently approaching

"Just say it darling" she whispered softly "whatever's in your head, just say it out loud so we can help you. Don't bottle it up. Just be honest with us so we can help you."
"I wasn't ready for this."
"I wasn't either but I wouldn't change him for the world Emmy. He's our beautiful boy. Please, I don't want to give him up but I can't do it on my own. I love him, you love him too, don't you?"
"I don't want to get attached again. It hurts too much."
"Oh sweetheart" Sandra rushed over to hug me "he's small but mighty darling. He will get stronger everyday. No one is taking him from you and max. They've got to get past the wolf pack downstairs first. They've all gone mushy and over protective bless them."

"I'll protect him Emmy, I swear it, and you, both of you. You're my whole world and I love you, you're my family. I never thought I'd have family like this. Someone that wanted a baby with me. Mum says I'm too immature to be a dad. I just want to get this right. I don't regret him. Too Young or not. I don't care. You want to keep him don't you Emmy?...... Emmy? We're keeping him, aren't we?"
"Can you double lock the door please" Jem walked over taking Eric asking no one in particular "I love you max, I'm sorry, I'm trying. My boobs are rock hard." She added in complaint
"You want me to help Jemima?" Sandra asked following her in when she nodded, I guided max downstairs where he completely broke down the boys rushing over to help me get him further away so Jem couldn't hear him.