Under my skin

Chapter 28 - Her past comes into the open.

*Author’s note*

Hey guys :)

TBH I hated the last chapter, don't know if you guys did, but I did! So I hope you enjoy this chapter a lot more, it is really sad, and made me really sad to write, but yeah... 

Enjoy xx juls. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 28 - @Julia_Golafshan (twitter)

 *Ivy’s POV*

A few hours had passed since the men had begun the questioning, and we were finished.

Their invading questions, however painful, helped them to gain insight into what my life with dad had been like.

They asked about everything, from what he hit me with to how often he hit me; they asked if I knew of any psychological problems he might have had, or if he had metal issues.

Niall held my hand the whole time, and when they asked if he had mental issues, his grip tightened.

“OF COURSE HE HAD MENTAL ISSUES! THE BASTARD TRIED TO RAPE IVY!” he yelled, and I the tension in the room was unbearable.

I looked at the floor, unable to look at anyone, the shame growing and growing until it felt like I was naked; it felt like I was completely vulnerable in front of the men.

I started crying, softly, and after that the men were much gentler in their questioning.

I understood why they needed to be direct and get straight to the point, but that didn’t help it hurt any less.

When it was finally over, they left the room to give us a minute together.

“We need to talk to you all as a group, but I assume you need a minute to gather your thoughts, and do anything else you may need to – when you’re ready, we’ll be outside.”

They closed the door, and Niall just rocked me back and forth in his arms, humming some sort of lullaby to me.

As childish as that may sound, for the first time EVER in my life, I had just opened up to people – two of which I didn’t even know! – about the abuse my own father inflicted upon me.

If anyone has been abused, you would know that openly admitting that and seeking help is one of the most shameful and most difficult things to do in life.

But I did just that.

We must have only been sitting together a few minutes like that, when I sat up, and Niall adjusted so he was looking me right in the eyes.

“You’re going to be okay,” he said to me, as he looked into my eyes; and in that moment I believed him!

His eyes were so full of hope and concern and something else…

Something I didn’t recognize.

Was he worried? Angry? Upset?

I closed my eyes, and kissed him, very softly as I got up, still holding his hand.

 As we started walking towards where everyone else was, something inside me panicked.

I didn’t want to have to explain all of that again to anyone, least of all the whole of one direction!

“I’m just going to the bathroom in my room to freshen up, go wait with the others and relax,” I whispered to Niall, and he smiled at me.

“I’m going to wait right here for you.”

He stood leaning against the bathroom wall and smiled, and I smiled back – only my smile was fake.

Even though things were going to get better because of the Child Protection Services, old habits die hard.

Locking the door, I went to where my bag was and got out my razor.

I stood looking at it metallic blade – and I wondered what was wrong with me.

What is so wrong with me that I actually feel better when I cause pain to myself, when I make blood come out of my skin?

Am I really so different to my father?

That last thought made me shudder; I couldn’t bear to think that I was anything like my father.

The very thought made me depressed, and I made the first cut, thinking of why I am different to my father.

After all, there’s a difference between someone else making you bleed, and you making yourself bleed… right?

The thoughts kept battling through my mind, and I kept cutting, trying to keep up with them.

Finally, I felt the sense of relief that I always feel when I know I’ve cut enough times – the relief is like a wave that washes over your body, and I always feel a sudden calm.

As I felt the peace, I suddenly realized how much blood there was around me.

Crap.

I quickly put the ointment on my skin, and the usual band-aids, and then cleaned up the floor with some tissue paper.

I flushed the tissue full of blood into the toilet and flushed it – I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything.

Feeling calm, I walked outside to where Niall was, and together we walked to where the men and the other four boys were.

The four boys had been talking in hushed voices, and when they say me, they all straightened up a little too fast – fast enough that I realized they must have been talking about me.

I realized then that they probably heard a lot of what was said in the room, so I took a deep breath and prayed they wouldn’t judge me too fast.

Niall and I sat down on one of the lounges, and the man who had not been in the room with us spoke.

“While you four were talking about the situation that led to this, I was discussing possible places where Ivy might stay, and it seems that, for the time being, staying with one direction may be the most beneficial location.”

As if on cue, the four boys looking at me from the other couch smiled at me, and I felt touched that they cared so much about me.

“There is one issue with that though, and that issue is a very important one… Liam, would you care to tell Ivy about it?”

Liam smiled a firm smile at me, and Niall squeezed my hand – I looked at Niall for a brief second, and the look on his face worried me.

It was a mix between confusion and sadness.

“Ivy, the issue is that-“

My phone rang.