Less than Perfect

14. Explanation {part two}

Chapter Fourteen

Explanation

Part Two

Bryan smiled nervously and began his explanation, with his gaze solely devoted to Skye.

"As you know, months ago, I started having issues with controlling my temper and emotions. At first, I didn't think anything of it; I figured it was just some sort of defense mechanism, a simple reaction. But when things started to get worse and I noticed I was always having this inner battle against my own emotions, I started to think about things more, evaluate myself more. Of course, that didn't open up enough for me and I started feeling irritated a lot more, always angry at something. So when we hung out, I had forced myself on you, pushed you around and, well—you know what started happening. I literally started losing it.

"I tried controlling myself but it kept getting harder and harder and eventually I started doing things I never thought of doing. Things like, drinking more, getting myself trashed, releasing my anger towards you, cheating...things that normally—and usually—disgust me. I kind of lost all of my thoughts on life and, as I know you want to put it, ruined it. Everything was going downhill, including our relationship, and it all started because of something I must have tried blocking from my mind of. I hated—hate—what I did to you. I put you through hell and didn't even stop or take a minute to fix things; I just kept on hurting you, destroying you.

"All those weeks of putting you through agony and confusion seemed to blur together in my mind, evaded by an illness I wouldn't have imagined having, and I haven't fully recovered from, obviously. After you broke up with me, I realized just how badly I had screwed up. I had pushed the person I loved most away, and I knew what I had done was unforgivable. I looked at myself and my life, really evaluated how things were going, and decided I needed to get help. You were right the entire time, Skye, I did need help. I just hadn't realized how much help I needed until I searched it out."

He stopped to catch his breath, small tear-droplets trickling their way down his face. When he looked at Skye she seemed to stare right past him, through him, her eyes casting crystal tears down her cheeks. He continued, wiping his eyes in a futile attempt of masking his emotions.

"I went to see a psychologist, admitting to everything I had done. Practically giving him my life story, every struggle, every achievement, I had to give myself a thorough examination of every part of me. I thought about you a lot, always asking him for advice on how to handle my feelings for you. I've loved you the entire time. Even throughout those days when it must have seemed impossible to believe, I loved you. We talked a lot about my anger problems, too. The intense rage I would get when something didn't go my way, the malice I exhibited so many times; and it all felt terribly wrong. He showed me small things I could do to restrain myself and hold back the urges of anger. But, like today, there are still times when I just can't stop myself.

"It's part of the illness, too. While I was in sessions with him I discovered why all my emotions don't always add up. I was clinically proven with bipolar disorder, a milder case of it, but nevertheless, that's how I am. That's one reason I am the way I am. I sometimes can't find a place when I can keep myself in check because of the disorder. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm in control of my own body—like today.

"It wasn't until we made it to the events before I first noticed a change in my attitude that we discovered a severe problem. Three months ago, I walked in on my dad sexually abusing a young girl—a few years younger than us—in his bedroom. It was one of those wrong-place-wrong-time kinds of things, and I was the victim to it. I couldn't even remember why I had gone into his room in the first place, but when I did, there was no turning back."