infatuated | fillie

thirty

i wish I could go home,
forget this ever happened.
i feel depressed, out of whack, and in my own world
sometimes I can't feel a thing
i can barely feel a thing
———————

Millie was in bed when she heard the news that Sadie Sink was throwing a party. She knew that a small friendly gathering would turn into something huge, which was one of the main reasons why she didn't want to go. One of.

So when she went on snapchat and saw everyone's stories, specifically Finn playing beer pong with the biggest smile on his face, she died a little inside.

He looked happy, his eyes were slightly slanted and the bags under his eyes were apparent but his smile was genuine. He was having a good time, the best time without Millie. The only time Millie ever really sees that kind of smile is if they were together doing some cute shit or if he came first place on Fortnite. For once, that smile wasn't for her (or his obsession with Fortnite).

She debated whether to go. She stood up out of bed ready to get changed and get her make up on, then sat back down again telling herself it was a bad idea. These steps repeated a couple of times, she was stuck. If she went, would his mood dim? Would he not be as happy as he is without her there?

On the other hand, Finn's head was going 100 miles per hour. His mouth was dry and his hands had pins and needles in them. His tongue darted out to wet his lips, his eyebrows furrowed when he saw a familiar brunette walking up to him.

"Elle?" He asked, looking the girl up and down. He automatically remembered it was the girl he saw from Starbucks. She looked incredibly good.

not as good as Millie would.

"Finn, hey! I didn't know you'd be here!" Elle said, hugging Finn. He stumbled a bit, not knowing what to do. He hasn't hugged any other girls beside Sadie and Millie. She hugged differently than Millie. Her arms were stiffer and she smelt differently. She was also a lot taller than Millie, so when they hugged Elle's head would reach his shoulders whereas Millie's head would nuzzle into his chest.

get her out of your head.

"Sadie is like my best friend." Finn said, shrugging his shoulders. "I didn't even know you two knew each other?"

"Yeah we do." Elle nodded. "We bonded over you, actually."

Finn lifted his eyebrows. "How so?"

"In music. You and your band were performing your final draft and i leant over and said I thought you guys were pretty good."

"Wow." Finn said. "It's rare that someone would actually like our music taste."

"Exactly. Some people don't really get the indie vibe."

Finn nodded, agreeing.

"You know." Elle started, "my uncle's best friend owns a bar and he was telling me the other day that he's having trouble finding someone to preform in the evenings. If you're up for it, I could put a word in for you?"

Finn was shocked, he didn't know what to say or how to even continue this conversation. The thought of his band actually performing to people other than mouth breathers in their grade was nerve racking.

"You'd do that?"

"Of course!" Elle said, "You're really talented."

Finn smiled at her, motionless. Elle noticed as she grabbed his hand and took him over to the kitchen island.

"Come on, lets drink."

——————

Millie's hand shook as she put Sadie's house key in the door, hesitant to turn it. Music was blaring from inside that she couldn't practically feel the vibrations on the concrete from outside.

As soon as the door opened, she instantly thought it was a bad idea by the smell of smoke and spirits coming from the house. She was surprised when she walked in, it was full, fuller than their usual parties they throw or the parties they normally go to.

The lights were dim and small smiles were thrown to and from people she's barely spoken to. She finally spotted Sadie and walked over to her, pushing people out of her way to escape the hallway and enter the kitchen.

"This party is absolutely huge." Millie said. Sadie turned around, the biggest smile erupted on the redheads face as she hugged her best friend as tight as she'd possibly can.

"I'm so glad you came! What made you change your mind?" Sadie asked, handing Millie her cup with mixed - whatever she had in it.

"Well uh-I saw everyone's stories on snapchat and was a little jealous I wasn't here, especially seeing it's my best friends party I feel like I'm obligated to be here."

For a while, Millie completely forgot about Finn. Like he was pushed to the back of her mind for a couple of minutes and it was fucking refreshing. That was until she saw him, she saw him play whatever shot game he was in the middle off. He squeezed a lime into his mouth, licked whatever substance was placed at the back of his hand and threw the shot down his throat quickly.

It sounded cliche but it felt like Millie was watching him in slow motion. The way he moved, the way he laughed honestly felt like - well, a kick to the balls.

It reminded Millie of the first time they saw each other after the first breakup. After Millie was forced to go to Caleb's party and she told him that it felt like a hard, firm kick to the balls.

It was like she was back in square one. Devastated, single and absolutely heartbroken. That's what it felt like, her heart ached with some sort of low-frequency hum that she couldn't possibly begin to describe - just like that night.

Her heart ached even more when she noticed him shoot the biggest smile towards the familiar brunette. She looked stunning and Millie found herself despising the girl and she's never even met her. She felt stupid for even coming, she wanted to curl up into a little ball but it was impossible at this party so she did what any normal human would do in this time of crisis : take a shot.

Not just 'a' shot, but multiple. Each one was taken as Millie didn't tear her eyes off of the two, Sadie somehow disappeared into the crowd and she was all alone in the corner of the living room, watching them in the kitchen laugh. Watching the girl touch Finn's arm or make any sort of excuse to have skin - to - skin contact with him. Millie's teeth gritted and her hands felt numb and tingly.

The alcohol was hitting her and she could not thank god enough. She felt adrenaline pump through her veins and her confidence boosted as she watched them through gritted teeth.

What really stung, though, what really and truly stung was watching the girl lean in. Now, now this is the part where Millie saw it in slow motion. Like I'm those films when something terrible is about to happen and your body doesn't know how to react except go all hot and jittery.

She leaned in, and Millie was fucking furious.