War can be a Son Of A Bitch

Piza or Pizza?

Scene opens on a lush valley filled with some kind of crops, crossed by stone aqueducts.

GRIF: Suck. My. Balls. Both.

DOC: No, thank you.

Alaska: Screw you.

GRIF: I refuse to let anyone else invent pizza but the ancient Italians, Doc. These assholes may be dumb as dirt, but their blood is rich in tomato sauce.

DOC: I actually think tomatoes are native to the Americas... which haven't been discovered yet. Which could explain, you know. Us sucking at this?

GRIF: Bullshit. [To Roman peasants, who appear at the periphery of the frame.] You understand, right? Dough on the bottom, then the to-ma-to. Then the mozzarella. Then you bake it. But just the right amount! Too much and you get a cracker crust, which is a mortal fucking sin, you neanderthal! Got it?

The peasants stare for a moment, then turn and walk away.

GRIF: Hey! Get back here!

Alaska: [Sighs.] I still don't get why you don't just invent pizza yourself. You'd make billions!

GRIF: Uh, the whole point of pizza is that someone else makes it?

DOC: I've made pizza.

GRIF: Of course you have. Vegan. And by the way, being vegan while being made entirely of meat? Kind of hypocritical.

DOC: Grif, I know this was technically my idea, but I'm starting to question if this is really the best use of a time machine!

Alaska(3): I agree, this is a colosal waste of time.

GRIF: Alaska, pizza is the food. It's like, perfect in its simplicity. Three ingredients! A holy trinity that come together to form a greasy triangle of perfection. And from this thin slice of heaven, man has created an edible plate that anything can go on. A new testament. Infinite possibility!

DOC/Alaska(3): Uh huh.

GRIF: A dessert pizza with a gingerbread base. A Russian nesting pie! Or pizza bites inside of a pizza pocket inside of a calzone on top of a pizza!

DOC: Grif.

GRIF: A pizza with the topping underneath! I'm just spitballing!

Alaska(3): You want to talk about infinite possibilities? Grif, a time machine can save lives. We could cure the plague. Stop the great alien war from ever happening? ATLUS is gonna be mad.

GRIF: You help yourself to all these fucks I give, Alaska, because I'm delivering history a pizza.

DOC: Ahhhhhh, fine. But if we're gonna teach these people a new dish, we need to cook it for them.

Camera pans to the sky, then descends on a grassy field as Sister, Alaska and Tucker emerge from a Donut Hole.

SISTER: Fucking endless dickshell!

TUCKER: Oh, come on! It was bound to happen!

Alaska(4): You crushed Catherine the Great with a horse.

TUCKER: How am I supposed to know that sex robe was lode-bearing?

SISTER: You crushed Christopher Reeve with a horse.

TUCKER: I learned a valuable lesson. Time travel spooks horses. And that dude's not really Superman. Life's an education, babe.

SISTER: I'm a simple girl with a simple itch. Time travel sex tour. And you're screwing it up!

TUCKER: Sounds like someone has the sands of time in her vagina.

SISTER: Ugh!

Kaikaina steps away from Tucker, surveys their surroundings. The remains of the bases on the moon from Season 15 come into view.