War can be a Son Of A Bitch

Great turista Trap

Fade in to a base near the alien temple. Sarge is looking out over it, with Grey, Alaska and Tucker behind him. It seems deserted.

CHARON EXCAVATION SITE

Sarge: Huh. Looks deserted.

Tucker: I've heard that one before.

Grey: It's likely any remaining Charon personnel would've retreated after you took their research complex. Or maybe they're at lunch. I'm hungry...

Alaska: Well, how do we know for sure?

Zoom in to Caboose on a rock.

Caboose: IS ANYBODY STILL HERE?!

Tucker, Alaska, Grey, and Sarge: (in unison) Caboose!

Caboose: WHAT? OH, SORRY-- um, sorry.

Sarge: You big blue idiot, you'll give away our position!

Sarge climbs up onto the rock.

Sarge: IF YOU'RE STILL HERE, JUST IGNORE THAT LAST BIT!

Tucker: Good save, Sarge.

Grey: Caboose, if you could, please, have Freckles run a thermal scan of the area.

Caboose: Ah, yes. (he brings his rifle up) Um, hey, Freckles?

Freckles: Yes, Captain Caboose?

Caboose: Oh, yes, uh, Freckles, could you go ahead and give me a... thermal... sweater to the base... thing.

Freckles: Affirmative.

Alaska: Heat scanners and Google Translate. Nice.

Grey: If you put the brain of a killing machine into an assault rifle, you don't cut corners.

Sarge: Can you give it control over the safety?

Freckles: Affirmative. Also, I heard that.

Sarge: Whoa-oh. (steps back)

Grey: Don't worry! My tests determined that it was actually safer to give Freckles full control of the rifle rather than Caboose.

Tucker: How'd you test that?

Alaska: She gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds.

Tucker: Makes sense.

Grey: What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be!

Sarge: So what happens when you pull the trigger?

Grey: It releases confetti and makes a fun party sound! (A fun party sound immediately is heard offscreen.)

Caboose: ...Tucker did it.

Alaska: Shut up Caboose.

Cut to the base, where Sarge, Alaska, Grey, and Caboose are standing near some boxes. Tucker comes running out of the base.

Tucker: Yep, the place is definitely deserted.

Sarge: We already knew that!

Tucker: Yeah, but I just wanted to make extra sure! You know, for extra safety. Oh look, you finished moving all of Grey's tools without me, maaan, bummer.

Sarge: (grunts) You wouldn't happen to be related to the Grif family, would ya?

Tucker: I mean, I had relations with his sister! Bow chicka bow-wow!

Caboose: Awwwww... yeah, I don't get it.

Alaska: You only did it because you took my armor, which you didn't clean after that!