a/n ) iM SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I'LL UPDATE THE NEXT DAY BUT ALFJSKSJAKAK— anyway thank you for 700 reads ;;;;; this book is so close to 1000 reads and iM nOt rEaDy— and also thank you for voting :'))) yall are the best <33
i don't think i should have had an argument with woojin.
he's now visiting less and less, only once every two weeks, with nothing in his hands, but a fake smile plastered on his face. it's not genuine or recognizable anymore. it's as if someone has taken over him. it's as if he's given up on me.
the thought about woojin giving up on me terrifies me. what if we don't make it until i'm fine and out of the hospital? hell, what if we never make it until we get married? everytime i think about it, i panic and feel deep regret in feeling ungrateful. at least he had visited me with gifts he bought with his own money he earned from work. at least he came. but i'd felt that we were distant, and now we really are. when he does visit, he doesn't talk as much as he used to. he sits on the chair and waits for me to initiate a conversation, instead of instantly talking about something happening in his life. if i didn't talk or even look at him, he would nod, and leave the room, leaving me alone with tears pouring out of my eyes with regret.
he's not a conversation starter anymore.
he never asks for help anymore.
he's never online, either.
thoughts like this rush through my head every minute he's not here, and it makes me weaker.
woojin visited today.
the fake smile, his bare hands.
i felt hurt.
he sits down on the chair without saying hi, and looks and me, waiting patiently for me to say something.
"hi, woojin," i say quietly, smiling, trying not to be hurt from that he didn't even greet me. "how are you?"
woojin shrugs, still smiling that fucking fake smile, which at this point irritated me instead of leaving me with regret. he keeps staring at me like a robot that has no emotion. at this point, he basically is a robot with no emotion. he's been programmed to visit me in this damn hospital, and wait for me to talk first.
please, don't give up on me.
woojin frowns as if he's heard my thoughts. maybe i was thinking out loud. too much that he could hear them. i wouldn't blame him, though. the thought of him giving up on me buzz around my head like a swarm of bees that grows with every new theory about him leaving me by myself. i was scared. i felt anxious. i started panicking.
the tears ran down my cheeks without intention. i didn't mean to start breaking down in front of woojin. at least he's here. at least he still knows i'm here. at least he acknowledges my existance. but every grateful thought i have comes with a thought about him leaving, and that put me in more pain. the tears poured out, like a waterfall. i could tell woojin was flustered on what to do. i could tell he wanted to leave me alone just like that. hell, if i was him, i would leave some piece of shit like me, too. i wouldn't fucking mind. i wouldn't fucking mind at all! so why isn't he? i expected him to leave, but instead, he didn't.
he stood up reluctantly, pushed his chair closer to my bed, and held my hand. he squeezed my hands tightly. he hummed a song i didn't know of. maybe one of the songs he said he was working on.
it wasn't much, just him holding my hand, but i felt like it was everything i ever wanted from him. i kept crying, starting to think about the future i'd hoped for since we started out. woojin and i, together.
"i-i'm s-sorry..." i choked out, my voice trembling. my body was shaking with mixed emotions. woojin smiled at me. a real smile, the one you can recognize in less than a second. he looked protective, like he wants to block out all the negativity and replace it with positivity. he kept holding my hand, not saying a word, but smiling. his smile tells everything.
it's all going to be okay. you'll be fine. we'll be okay.
sometimes this is all i ever wanted from him.
silence in the room except for my sobbing and his humming, filled with mixed emotions.
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