Diaries of a suicidal mind(Under editing)

06 october 2013 (part two)

Dear Diary,

William left, but we exchanged numbers, and he promised to stay in touch, although he probably won't. 

Yes I'm pessimistic but excuse me for not wanting to get my hopes up and then crashing hard.

I just don't want to feel more pain than I am experiencing anymore. I'm already constantly falling and breaking, but if I can atleast reduce one fall, and spare one break, then I might aswell be pessimistic.
Also, when you expect something to be bad but then life proves you wrong, you feel better than when you actually knew it was going to be good.

I felt good today, it felt nice, and I guess these little things are what's keeping me from giving up, it's like everytime I just want to give it all up, something nice happens, it may be very little and very meaningless but I spare myself from over thinking.

All I need is a distraction, I just need something that would make me forget just for once that my beloved brother and my dear father are not laying six feet underground, I just want something that would make me forget the fact that I won't see Brandon and dad ever again, I just don't like admitting they're gone forever, it's a truth I keep denying, deep down, I know that I won't get to hold them, or hear their voices, and they've been gone for maybe more than a year, and it hurts, because I never got to see my brother graduate, or get married, I never got the chance to say goodbye, I wasn't even there when it all happened, I'll never know what they felt, and guilt eats me because I never told them I loved them enough, I never showed them I was very much grateful for everything they did, all these thoughts just make me want to suffocate myself, I want to scream so loud I'll lose my voice, I want to punch walls, I want to crash my world down before I let it crash on its own. 

My therapist keeps telling me 'there's a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to find it, go through the entire tunnel, until you reach the end of it, and once you get out, you're free, you're in the light, the warmth again'

but it feels like my tunnel is endless, my tunnel is too dark and just like in sickness there's some rare conditions, what if this is one of those rare conditions aswell where I cannot reach the end, and there's no light to guide me out, what if I got lost in my own tunnel and I came to a point where I find it safer to just sit there until I slowly die because that would be the easiest way out?

What if my tunnel was just a tunnel of suffering, and it was endless? 

what if I even found the end of my tunnel then my life just ended there? and all my effort was useless, gone to waste.

I'm sorry but I'd rather just sit there in my dusk tunnel.

 I stopped with the what ifs, took a bath, and decided to go early to bed, hoping that feeling a bit okay  would give me a few extra hours of sleep.